Open letter and my weekend

I feel like my heart is breaking and there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. No matter what I say, what I do, or how long, I'm going to pay the rest of my life for my past mistakes and short comings. I never said I was perfect, I've been so open and raw and vulnerable to the real me, the real person beneath it all...  but I just feel like I'm never going to be the person you want me to be. I will never be this perfect person you so seemingly are trying to find within me... 

Twelve years ago I opened my heart when I shut everyone and everything out. I broke my walls down to my vulnerability.... And now because you feel justified and righteous, I will forever be trying to apologize and make it up to you for being a monster. I can't keep saying I'm sorry for the rest of my life when it's more than just me. Own your shit, let shit go. Stop throwing everything in my face and let it GO. Stop holding everything over my head as ammunition to justify how you feel. I'm trying so hard to be a better, more caring, honest and open person but Im not the one that can make you happy. YOU are the creator of your own happiness... 

I opened my heart and told you I couldn't have my heart broken any more....and my heart is breaking because we're falling apart and it's up to me to bandaid it back together. I never mattered to anyone before you and it breaks me into a million pieces when you tell me you've been unhappy for years... And yet, I'm still here.... Because I love you and I just can't walk away. :( 

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Not having a great last 36 hours. Had a amazing breaking with our good friend Dina while watching the Canada vs.  Sweden hockey game this morning. Jeff was supposed to go to a match with his dad and brother but bailed on them last minute... This afternoon I met up with some old work friends from one of my first jobs back when I was 15. Nice to see the girls and it's so awesome that after all these ears we still get together to catch up. <3 

Goodnight. 

Tuesday Musings...

You know what really chaps my ass and SO many women do it.  People that are obviously slim that say they're fat.  Um you're smaller than me, what the fuck am I then?  I must be obese, if that's the case.  And that my friends is how you get a complex.  People like this individual I've described above that have "made" women insecure.  This same person likes drama and also like to make mountains out of mole hills for no reason in particular.  I seriously, seriously think if we showed a little more compassion, love and understanding of people, we could all collectively live in a world that was much more joyous, non-harming and filled with less hate and hidden agendas.  I just can't stand to be around people that are just so negative or like to wallow in misery, you know?  Life is too short.  And if you haven't got anything nice to say, well, keep your mouth shut.  No one needs to hear it.

 

Moving along... The weekend went by entirely too quickly.  On Saturday, we took my mom out to Whitby-area so she could pick up some raw dog food that she was going to be trying to switch her two dogs over to.  Well, wouldn't you know it, we spent about 2 hours there.. Why you ask?  Because there were dogs there and I was doting alllllllllllll over them.  The woman breeds Leonbergers and she has four of her own.  I had never met the breed until maybe a year ago when I looked after a Leo named Olive, and man was she a stunner.  Here she is:

 

 

Here are the Leo's from Saturday:

 

Beautiful Kramer :)

The ladies

I think this was the 9 month old female.  There was Kramer and his daughter and then another female and her daughter.



185 lbs of pure love.  This is Kramer.

 

Sunday we didn't get up to much other than heading over to my mom's for a bit and some running around and being domesticate.

 

I think it's the weather but I'm really tired this week.  Could be the weather/temperatures.  I think today's it's around -20, feels like -30 with the wind chill.  Brr!!  I'm so over winter, but then again, I've never been a fan of it given that I'm always cold.

 

Anyways, decided to take a few pictures of some nooks of our place that are my fave. 

 

Here's one of our book cases that houses a ton of diving magazines, National Geographics, books, elephant figures, pictures, and more pictures. 

 

This cabinet you see in the pic above?  It houses about 40 Swarovski crystals that I began collecting at a young age, I believe my first was purchased on a cruise ship or in port at an island we visited while on said cruise.

Our new grey sectional.. And Jeff sleeping. :)

This is prob the messiest nook in our home.  It's where I put a heaping pile of bills before filing them away every 3-4 months.

One of my little areas or "spots" with a bunch of books, elephant studies, pictures, etc.

Jeff and my man, Charlie snuggling.

He's always watching ;)

 

Charlie and I :)

 

That's all for now.  Jeff's birthday is on Friday and he turns 37, the old fucker.  LOL  His family is coming down on Thursday night to celebrate with us.  Friday night we're going out with my family and the rest of the weekend I'm petsitting/dog walking but it's another quiet weekend like at the beginning of January......

 

Have a good one... :)

How is it Monday, AGAIN!?! So quick?! So I started writing this on Monday, you see and now it's Thursday.... Jesus

God it's Thursday and I'm still trying to hammer out an update since Monday.  Another weekend down (last weekend albeit) and it was an uneventful one.  I have to admit I've been an asshole the last week and a half in particular because of my toe/foot bullshit, but it's finally starting to heal.  This, of course, was not before I almost had a temper tantrum on Friday night after work because I was ready to take a fork to my foot and scratch away, all in the name of relief.  I think what I was prescribed Friday night should have been given to me all along, along with the antibiotics, but hey, I'm no Doctor.  This leads me to Tuesday.  My Boss was not impressed with how angry my foot was looking so she said that I must go to the doctor.  You see, I made an appointment for later that day at 5 p.m. but I decided to go early.  I went to a spinning class first (shut up - my foot has been fine this week spinning), then to a clinic around the corner where I waited maybe 20 minutes.  Ended up seeing this wonderful gentleman and he actually picked my foot up and thoroughly examined it.  I got more meds and a referral to get my leg ultrasounded to make sure that I didn't have any blood clots in my leg.  Hoofed it around the corner to the Ultrasound clinic and had this lovely goop squirted all down my right leg.  I have to say it was pretty neat watching the screen and the sonographer pic-stitching my femoral artery... and then turning on the sound to listen to my heart beat and pump blood through said artery.  Of course you can't ask them a damn thing because they're not a doctor and qualified to tell you.  Anyways, turns out my leg looks good and no signs of clots.  Good!  So I guess as it stands now, I'm going to have to watch my foot and keep an eye on it if it takes a turn for the worse.  It's just such a pain in my ass though, let me tell you.  The one nice thing is that I'm back at the gym this week.  I did spinning classes on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and my foot/toe was good.  Today I did some outdoor yoga and tomorrow, I'm not sure what I'm doing but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning.

Anyways, apart from the foot drama, I'm well.  Jeff is doing well.  He went to cross fit once this week and has been a cripple ever since.  So happy and proud of all the word and effort he's putting into it.  It'll pay off in the end :)

I think we'll go to the Farmers Market on Saturday morning then maybe head up to visit Alex up in Orillia.  Sunday I've got two dog walks that I'm doing as a favour to my petsitting job boss.. the woman working this weekend can't make those two visits on Sunday so I'll do them for her.  Monday, who knows.  It'll be a nice relaxing weekend I hope.  Ciao! :)

Back to the Real World

All good things must come to an end......... And so it goes, I'm back from beautiful Barbados, sunburn and all and of course, a TON more freckles, which, as a ginger, is to be expected. 

I had a really great time down south, I basically did a lot of relaxing by the pool, walking on the beach, some dips in the ocean (it was windy and quite rough most of the time there), I adopted a family of kitties (one Momma, her four kittens and what we think was the father) that we fed daily.. they were just way too cute.  We went out on a catamaran last Wednesday and I met up with a really nice couple from NYC and we all exchanged information before parting ways.  We went shopping in Bridgetown as well and I got some pretty dresses and souvenirs for a few people back home.

I did Facetime home using my mom's IPod as I didn't take my IPhone down with me.  That was pretty cool.  Talking to Jeff daily didn't really feel like I left him for very long at all, either and I think that helped in us not missing each other too, too much.

I haven't uploaded any pictures as yet but I'll be working on that in the next couple of days...

Until then....

Oh and I've decided that reality sucks!  I mean the coming back to work after it all sucks.  Leaves me longing for next time.... Sigh.

:)

Life Lately....

I've hit a dry spell....I feel like I haven't written in ages, that or it's getting a bit stale.  Nevertheless, I digress and here I am. :)  This past weekend we headed up north to visit Jeff's family and spent the better part of Saturday at the gun range.  We came back home late Saturday night and chilled most of Sunday.  I went and paid for my Barbados plane ticket on Sunday because their debit machine was down Friday night when I met my mom there. 

Life, knock on wood and hopefully I don't jinx anything, is good right now. :)  And for that, we'll leave it at that.  :)  Peace

Getting my allergies tested after 3 years of not being able to eat uncooked fruit.

Some of the scratch sites and hives

Cuddly, sweet Baxter

En route to the range

Plowing the action pit lol

Saw this picture and saved it

I look cold lol

Taking turns plowing because it was THAT big of a job

Nasty cold, possibly hypothyroid, yoga retreat & dog grooming

Let me first start off by saying that I've been really sick with a nasty cold that is still plaguing me.  Jeff is still sick as well.  Seems that many people are also plagued with this lovely cold and it seems to be one that lingers for weeks.  Good news is, I had my family doctor listen to my chest yesterday and while I'm still wheezing, she said my lungs sound good.  Speaking of lungs, I've been 1 year smoke free as of November 14th.  Crazy!!!  I still want to smoke but I figure in time, that'll fade away.

Among my laundry list of shit I had to talk to my Doctor about, she seems to think that I may have a thyroid issue so I had to run around and get my blood taken at another lab across town, and additionally, I have to go for an ultrasound on Saturday to see what's going on with me.  If it's thyroid, that might explain most of all the symptoms and shit I've had recently.  If it's not, then I likely have fibroids or some sort of tear in my uterus.  I know, not exactly something you wanted to read, if anyone is reading this.  But hey, that's the beauty of this, this is MY blog and I can blog about any damn thing I want to.

Moving along... I guess we'll stick with sequence of order here.  After my blood tests yesterday, I had to go pick up the dogs as they were with Maria since the morning getting all handsome-fied.

So my friend Marah and I went to a Yoga Retreat on Friday night, this was the retreat that I was desperately trying to get better for, as we had the thing planned since the summertime.  Anyways, Marah and I took the train up to where I live, we missed one train and were delayed a bit.  That's what happened when you're lugging around a piece of luggage with all of her stuff. LOL.  We made it to the retreat after we went by my place and Jeff made us dinner. 

We were staying in the cabin and lo and behold, we get there and put our things in the cabin and then go in for some relaxing tea and introductions with people before bed.  Well, I was about to put my hat and mitts under my pillow, when I discovered long horned beetles.  EVERYWHERE.  Like a gajillion of them. Alive.  Couple that with 3 other girls that are terrified of bugs and spiders.  We literally screamed for about an hour and took turns who was killing the next ones.  It was awful and stressful.  It was the anti-thesis of relaxation.  After about an hour and a half, we figured we got rid of them all and by this time it was midnight and we were supposed to be up for a morning yoga class at 8 am.  Yeah, not fun.  We thought to turn off the heat because it was perhaps that that had lured them all in from the cold.  So not only were we worried about bugs, we slept in the fetal position, in our jackets and woke up with wrecked backs, freezing and tired. 

Saturday proved to be better.  Got up, had some tea then we settled in for some morning yoga and meditation, then a delicious vegetarian breakfast was served.  Following that we had some free time, so we read some, walked around the property and took some pictures and hopped in the sauna while Marah had a massage.

Around 1 we went to the Palgrave Conservation Area and did a japa meditation walk, which was really nice.  Afterwards, we headed back for a cooking class with Shaylie, Merrell's daughter, who also happens to live just around the corner from Jeff and I.  Dinner wasn't long after and the evening flew by.  We had a restorative yoga class at 8 pm til 9 and it was perfect just before bed.  We killed a few more bugs and that was that.  I think we were also just too tired to give a shit.

Slept much better, although the beds were too soft and every one of us said our backs were killing us.  Whatever, c'est la vie, we were going home that day anyways.  We had a morning yoga sesh, followed by meditation and breakfast and after that, it was time to go, packed up and waited for Jeff to come get us.  We took many yoga pics down on the dock by the water, many that Jeff took for us when he arrived and he saw us trying to get self portraits.  Some really great shots.

 

All in all, a nice retreat.  Would I go back? No, I think I need something more challenging next time, I swear the teacher only knew the warriror series, for crying out loud we didn't even do any sun salutations!! :(  It was nice and peaceful though.

We drive Marah home, got a coffee (I was in caffeine withdrawl mode and my head was just killing me), we went home and chilled the rest of the evening.  It was nice to be back home, I missed Jeff and I think he missed me.

Must go for now.  xox Namaste and much peace, love and kindness.