13 Random Facts about Me

1. I'm terrified of spiders.  Like squealing, chills down my spine and sweating profusely.  Not an attractive look. LOL
2. I rarely drink.
3. I quit smoking just over 3 years ago.  I still miss it. Sigggggh.  But I feel better and I know my lungs and heart appreciate it.
4. I have a weakness for Cool Ranch Doritos.
5. I am obsessed with Great Danes, more particularly Harlequins.
6. I never or rarely change my body jewelry.
7. I'm willing to take Benadryl to be around animals that I am allergic to (cats).
8. I'm horribly accident prone/clumsy.
9. I've had braces on my teeth twice.
10. I had jaw surgery when I was 15 years old.
11. I love order.  As is, clutter is chaos.  I've learned to let go A LOT since I've been with Jeff.
12. Jeff and I have been together nearly 13 years and married for six.
13. My fave alcoholic drink would have to be ameretto sours.

Is this not the cutest, EVER?!!  My neighbour and friend of ours saw these at a craft show I think she said she was at and she just couldn't resist.  They slide onto the collars.

 And lest we not forget a Tuesday selfie. LOL

 

TGIF

One of my favourite songs at the moment happens to be Rhianna's "Stay", it's one of those songs that speaks out to me. 

Ohhh the reason I hold on,
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone,
Funny you're the broken one but i'm the only one who needed saving,
Cause when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving.

 

I feel like for far too long I've had this hole, this emptiness that needed filling.  I feel like my entire life I've had this emptiness inside that I can't explain.  I've been trying to find my way, my voice, if you will, for years and somewhere in the last 11 years I found it.  Only, now I have this giant mouth that is incapable (not incapable, but I guess I don't try to stifle it) to stay shut and my mouth tends to get me into trouble.  I have no censor and I think I need to back off and stop being pushy and expecting people to change their views to be more like mine, or to be sympathetic to things that bother me and that have cause.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is different and has different ways of dealing or coping with shit.  I can't live anyone else's life for them, I can't push my views onto other people, I am only responsible for myself and my actions.  And I need to be more accountable to my actions and the words that come out of my mouth and how I make people feel.  I feel like since I was little, I've always tried to accomodate people, to please people and as the years passed, I put upon myself this perfectionist type attitude, that if something wasn't done to this high standard that I've set for MYSELF, that I was a failure.  I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, nothing in the middle of the road or half assed.  I project A LOT of this shit onto myself.  I set myself up for failure because in my stupid mind I have these high expectations and sometimes I assume something is going to go one way and it doesn't and the world comes crashing down.

 

Yesterday, after bawling my eyes out for most of the evening from 5 pm to 11 pm, I've been told before, but it surprises me every time I hear it again - I hurt my best friend all the time.  I hurt him because I can't even be bothered to consider how he feels about anything or show him any sort of affection to show him that I care and he matters.  Here I thought I was this amazing, good person... but I'm not.  I need to hear validation and compliments and things like that because MY self esteem is poor.  I need to feel accepted, that I'm good enough... Because I feel like I'm never going to be good enough.  Yes, something that I (capitalize I!!) need to hear.  I need to hear that I'm important.  But right now, my wants and needs aren't important.  I have to fix 2 years worth of hurting my husband because I'm a piece of shit.  I hate myself for that and making him feel like he does.  Why do I hurt the one person that loves me to the moon, that uplifts me and supports me?  Why do we hurt the ones we love? 

 

My head feels the size of Jupiter today and my eyes look horrible, but I'm going to the gym shortly to work some of this shit out.  Have a great weekend.  Here's to a good one and a better next week.

 

xo

The calm after the storm...

I should probably post an update since the last one wasn't too pretty... We've been working through our shit and I think I need to take a step back and appreciate and show that I care what's right in front of me.  I think J feels like I'm moving on and essentially I'm leaving him in the dust, behind.  I need to stop yelling because when we argue I yell and then I look like a complete out of control asshole.. I feel like if I yell, then maybe my point will come across more clear.  And interrupting him.  He never feels like I allow him to speak and in turn, that makes him think that I don't care and could care less what he has to say.  I can see why he feels the way he does, and I push back because I feel like a piece of shit, inadequate for him and I feel like I push him away, maybe that's what he wants but doesn't want to break my heart by telling me so.  I've been a whackjob since I met him and he's the one and only that's always stayed by my side... That speaks volumes.  Yet I push him away... It makes no sense.  I push him away because it's a defense mechanism, I feel like if I push him away first, he won't leave me and thus make me feel reject.  It's like I have to do it first so that I can prepare myself if necessary.  Well, that isn't the best way to go about things.  I've lived my entire life thinking and believing that I don't deserve to be happy, that J deserves better.  But dammit, I know I'm a good person deep down inside, I have problems dealing with my anger, dealing with conflicts, communicating... and I blame a lot of it on being an only child and my father dying when I was young; I wasn't an unruly kid but my mom pitied me and I see that now, I could do no wrong in her eyes.  That is to say that nothing is wrong with that at all, but I was handled with kids gloves because of the trauma I faced and dealt with as a child.  I think my mom and I both played that victim card a lot.. the whole feel sorry for me because I went through a ton of bullshit all beginning at a young age.

I have to take away from our conversations that I have to be more respectful, mindly of others feelings and stop being so selfish and just thinking about myself.  For far too long I never gave a fuck about myself, now it's like I do and I'll stop at nothing if I think I'm going to get hurt or criticized or whatever.  That's all growth, though, isn't it?  That's what makes us better people, people seeing you in ways that you don't see yourself or that you turn a blind eye to.

Sigh..........  Alright, even typing that was draining.  One day at a time.

Today it's 6 days before Christmas.  All we have left to get is a video game for our nephew (don't get me started on bloody video games!!!), and some money for the niece as it's her birthday on the 24th as well.  Jeff has to shop for me, on Friday, after his work daytime luncheon.  That's cool though, he's used to doing the last minute rushes and by all accounts, he's probably the most calm and organized person when shopping that close to Christmas.  Me, I refuse to be out amongst a bunch of moody assholes that are shoving people in lines, being rude and all that other lovely holiday bullshit.  No thank you.

This evening I'm going to be wrapping some gifts up, which I always love doing.  Seems this year we're spending xmas eve at our place, Mom's in the morning and then heading up north to visit Jeff's family.  Not sure what we're doing but I need to be back Wednesday night to go to work on Thursday.  Jeff's Mom isn't doing too well, but that's another story altogether.

So Jeff, in closing, if you read my blog, you are the light of my life, warmth on a cold night, sunshine on a rainy day and my best friend that I absolutely adore with every piece of my soul.  I cannot imagine my life without out or what it would have been like had I not met you nearly 11 years ago.  I know I'm not the best or close to perfect in the least bit, but I do know that I have a shitty way of showing you I love you, but please know that I love you more than there are words.....  Merry Christmas my love.  To many more!

Namaste ~ xo

So we are 4 days away from Christmas and I have but a gift card to purchase for my aunt and some dog treats for Lily.  I do have to wrap everything up, I haven't done any of that yet.  Jeff has wrapped the gifts he's bought but I haven't done the ones I was in charge of buying.

Looking forward to having next week off.  Jeff works next Wednesday so I'll take him to work and then head over to my mom's to wait out a couple of hours to give him his insulin shot.  Then I have a much needed appointment with my doctor.  I've decided that I can't let myself suffer any longer.  I cry too easily, I worry, I over analyze, I'm critical of myself, negative of myself, some days I long to just "not be here", although I would never get to that point where I'd do something, some days I just wish I wasn't around and life would be much more simple.  So enough of the hiding and avoiding and feeling generally like crap all the time.  I need help.  I also did something rediculous and immature and stupid on Monday night.  Had a temper tantrum, full blow tears (til midnight, I might add) ...and needless to say I got frustrated and I smoked my leg.  Well 3 bruises later and a cut that I just noticed last night in the shower that hurts like hell.  I used to cut over 10 years ago but I guess that I still self harm, even though it may not be cutting.

I never implied or pretended to be perfect, I'm far from it, but my goodness, I don't think Jeff ever bargained for this.  I have so much baggage and for whatever reason I can't let shit go or I just hold on to all the old feelings that add to the negativity that just seems so deeply ingrained in my mind, body and soul.  I think one of my yoga teachers said it best and it was like music to my ears.  It was something along the lines of how deeply did I love today?  How deeply did I let go?  And that's just it: Let go. Let it all go.  And remember, when someone has something to say or advice or anything like that, take it at face value - it relates to that one isolated event and shouldn't be lumped into the category of "I always" or I never" and generalising.

Every day is a new day, Rome wasn't built over night, I know it takes time but dammit I want results now, that's just my personality.  I want to be better, I want to be whole-heartedly happy and full.  I do believe I have that in me, I just need to learn to stop taking everything so personally and like the entire world is against me.

Anyways, I have to go.  I'll write tomorrow.  Much love! xo