As much as I've come out of my shell in the last decade, parts of me are still painfully awkward, I don't like huge crowds, I still dont get along with most of the female race and I feel like people go out of their way to exclude me. I've never been included or the first person picked for anything team related, let's be honest here, but it just really hurts when you try so hard and it's all for nothing and I just end up feeling alone and awkward.

I don't need anyone's acceptance or pity but it sure would be nice to have a nice girl friend that I can depend on and the feelings are mutual instead of one sided friendships that leave me feeling used and abused. I'm not even going to post pictures from the shower on Sunday because I just look like I'm photo bombing groups of people to be included in their photos. It's kinda sad.

And so sadness, feeling stupid and pissed off have been the themes today. And of course, to add the cherry on top, I woke up and started arguing with J about going to bed early. We haven't argued in MONTHS so it's uncanny we are now out of the blue. And our anniversary is this Saturday. Yippee! I just haven't been this down on myself and low in a really long time..... Days like this I want to crawl into a hole and not emerge for a long, long time. It's days like these where I'm just on a roll with my negativity.... That I'm not good enough, I'm adequate, that I bring no good qualities to the table, that I'm a piece of shit. It's days like this I want to throw away my more than 2.5 year absintence from nicotine and just smoke and smoke until I feel better (psychologically, not physically, of course). Cue the deep sigh.......

Tomorrow is a new day and will be better. 

Open letter and my weekend

I feel like my heart is breaking and there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. No matter what I say, what I do, or how long, I'm going to pay the rest of my life for my past mistakes and short comings. I never said I was perfect, I've been so open and raw and vulnerable to the real me, the real person beneath it all...  but I just feel like I'm never going to be the person you want me to be. I will never be this perfect person you so seemingly are trying to find within me... 

Twelve years ago I opened my heart when I shut everyone and everything out. I broke my walls down to my vulnerability.... And now because you feel justified and righteous, I will forever be trying to apologize and make it up to you for being a monster. I can't keep saying I'm sorry for the rest of my life when it's more than just me. Own your shit, let shit go. Stop throwing everything in my face and let it GO. Stop holding everything over my head as ammunition to justify how you feel. I'm trying so hard to be a better, more caring, honest and open person but Im not the one that can make you happy. YOU are the creator of your own happiness... 

I opened my heart and told you I couldn't have my heart broken any more....and my heart is breaking because we're falling apart and it's up to me to bandaid it back together. I never mattered to anyone before you and it breaks me into a million pieces when you tell me you've been unhappy for years... And yet, I'm still here.... Because I love you and I just can't walk away. :( 

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Not having a great last 36 hours. Had a amazing breaking with our good friend Dina while watching the Canada vs.  Sweden hockey game this morning. Jeff was supposed to go to a match with his dad and brother but bailed on them last minute... This afternoon I met up with some old work friends from one of my first jobs back when I was 15. Nice to see the girls and it's so awesome that after all these ears we still get together to catch up. <3 

Goodnight.