Monday - The abyss that I'm in.

I had a brutal weekend and this week doesn't look any better.  I'm in deep denial that I'm unwell and I need to take care of myself before I lose everything that means the world to me.  Before I lose my self.  I feel like I'm barely holding.  I'm falling into dirty habits that I used to once do.. It's bad.  I don't even feel like writing about it because I don't know who reads this page, if I know you or not and I'm deeply disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, angry, frustrated, embarrassed and depressed beyond belief.  Crying happens literally at the drop of my hat and I can't keep it together anymore.  I'm destroying everything in my life, including myself. 

So I guess for my 30th birthday present to myself is to sabotage anything and all in my life, including my self.  It's disgusting.  I don't even know who I am anymore and all those positive steps I took to move forward are all undone and I've done about 6,908,087 steps backwards.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that how I feel, all alone in this world, that's ultimately what's going to happen and it'll be my own doing.........................................

What started off as a nice weekend ended in disaster.. Many, many hurtful things have been thrown out there, many of them which can't be taken back or forgotten.  I don't know which was is up or down right now but I'm barely treading above water.. I don't know how we ever got to this place..We both have now said that getting married was probably the stupidest idea... He wanted to make my mom happy with marrying her only child.  For us, it's only been down hill since then.  So many people have said that while I've had so many accomplishments in 2012, I've changed.  I've changed, he's changed, everything has changed.  It's like we're two strangers passing eachother in the night.  I feel completely off the rails and I nearly checked myself into the hospital last night.  I can't take this heart, this pain... This.  This is literally killing me inside.

I've let so many people down, but most of all myself.  I don't know how to fix it anymore.  I'm such a disappointment.

Time will tell, won't it.....