Sunday...

How did we get where we are today?  Where did the love, affection, adoration and everything else go? Oh wait, hold on a minute, it's all my fault, remember?  I am the creator of everyone's happiness and I am the one that shits on it all.  Sorry's don't mean anything anymore.  So many awful things have been said by both parties, I don't know if there is any coming back from this....  We treat eachother like shit.  We do nothing together.  And when we do, we fight like bitches.... Where did this mutual love and respect go?  What the fuck has happened with my life?  Were both so incredibly unhappy, yet if I make changes, I do everything, maybe then he'll smile, be happy and once again tell me what a wonderful person I am.  He's the one person on this planet that doesn't see this good person that everyone else sees.  Similarly, he's the one person that everyone sees as being a saint, does everything for people, good, kind etc. etc.  But I bring out the exact opposite I suppose.  That's why I sometimes think he'd be better off without me.  I am nothing but horrible-ness.  I truly am a horrible son of a bitch I guess.  I've lost myself in ten years... hell, actually, I don't think I've ever found myself.  I deserve to be in the gutter where I was chucked decades ago.  The only person that has my back is my mom and it's tearing her up seeing me as sad and frustrated and angry that I am...... I am not a religious person but God give me the strength to get through this... This is really killing me inside.  If this does not stop, one or both of us is going to have a stroke or heart attack and it's going to be awful.

All I know is that I'm not this big, horrible bad guy.  I'm not this horrible person that I've been made out to be. At all... This just sucks donkey balls

The calm after the storm...

I should probably post an update since the last one wasn't too pretty... We've been working through our shit and I think I need to take a step back and appreciate and show that I care what's right in front of me.  I think J feels like I'm moving on and essentially I'm leaving him in the dust, behind.  I need to stop yelling because when we argue I yell and then I look like a complete out of control asshole.. I feel like if I yell, then maybe my point will come across more clear.  And interrupting him.  He never feels like I allow him to speak and in turn, that makes him think that I don't care and could care less what he has to say.  I can see why he feels the way he does, and I push back because I feel like a piece of shit, inadequate for him and I feel like I push him away, maybe that's what he wants but doesn't want to break my heart by telling me so.  I've been a whackjob since I met him and he's the one and only that's always stayed by my side... That speaks volumes.  Yet I push him away... It makes no sense.  I push him away because it's a defense mechanism, I feel like if I push him away first, he won't leave me and thus make me feel reject.  It's like I have to do it first so that I can prepare myself if necessary.  Well, that isn't the best way to go about things.  I've lived my entire life thinking and believing that I don't deserve to be happy, that J deserves better.  But dammit, I know I'm a good person deep down inside, I have problems dealing with my anger, dealing with conflicts, communicating... and I blame a lot of it on being an only child and my father dying when I was young; I wasn't an unruly kid but my mom pitied me and I see that now, I could do no wrong in her eyes.  That is to say that nothing is wrong with that at all, but I was handled with kids gloves because of the trauma I faced and dealt with as a child.  I think my mom and I both played that victim card a lot.. the whole feel sorry for me because I went through a ton of bullshit all beginning at a young age.

I have to take away from our conversations that I have to be more respectful, mindly of others feelings and stop being so selfish and just thinking about myself.  For far too long I never gave a fuck about myself, now it's like I do and I'll stop at nothing if I think I'm going to get hurt or criticized or whatever.  That's all growth, though, isn't it?  That's what makes us better people, people seeing you in ways that you don't see yourself or that you turn a blind eye to.

Sigh..........  Alright, even typing that was draining.  One day at a time.

Today it's 6 days before Christmas.  All we have left to get is a video game for our nephew (don't get me started on bloody video games!!!), and some money for the niece as it's her birthday on the 24th as well.  Jeff has to shop for me, on Friday, after his work daytime luncheon.  That's cool though, he's used to doing the last minute rushes and by all accounts, he's probably the most calm and organized person when shopping that close to Christmas.  Me, I refuse to be out amongst a bunch of moody assholes that are shoving people in lines, being rude and all that other lovely holiday bullshit.  No thank you.

This evening I'm going to be wrapping some gifts up, which I always love doing.  Seems this year we're spending xmas eve at our place, Mom's in the morning and then heading up north to visit Jeff's family.  Not sure what we're doing but I need to be back Wednesday night to go to work on Thursday.  Jeff's Mom isn't doing too well, but that's another story altogether.

So Jeff, in closing, if you read my blog, you are the light of my life, warmth on a cold night, sunshine on a rainy day and my best friend that I absolutely adore with every piece of my soul.  I cannot imagine my life without out or what it would have been like had I not met you nearly 11 years ago.  I know I'm not the best or close to perfect in the least bit, but I do know that I have a shitty way of showing you I love you, but please know that I love you more than there are words.....  Merry Christmas my love.  To many more!

Namaste ~ xo