Wednesday, December 21, 2011

So we are 4 days away from Christmas and I have but a gift card to purchase for my aunt and some dog treats for Lily.  I do have to wrap everything up, I haven't done any of that yet.  Jeff has wrapped the gifts he's bought but I haven't done the ones I was in charge of buying.

Looking forward to having next week off.  Jeff works next Wednesday so I'll take him to work and then head over to my mom's to wait out a couple of hours to give him his insulin shot.  Then I have a much needed appointment with my doctor.  I've decided that I can't let myself suffer any longer.  I cry too easily, I worry, I over analyze, I'm critical of myself, negative of myself, some days I long to just "not be here", although I would never get to that point where I'd do something, some days I just wish I wasn't around and life would be much more simple.  So enough of the hiding and avoiding and feeling generally like crap all the time.  I need help.  I also did something rediculous and immature and stupid on Monday night.  Had a temper tantrum, full blow tears (til midnight, I might add) ...and needless to say I got frustrated and I smoked my leg.  Well 3 bruises later and a cut that I just noticed last night in the shower that hurts like hell.  I used to cut over 10 years ago but I guess that I still self harm, even though it may not be cutting.

I never implied or pretended to be perfect, I'm far from it, but my goodness, I don't think Jeff ever bargained for this.  I have so much baggage and for whatever reason I can't let shit go or I just hold on to all the old feelings that add to the negativity that just seems so deeply ingrained in my mind, body and soul.  I think one of my yoga teachers said it best and it was like music to my ears.  It was something along the lines of how deeply did I love today?  How deeply did I let go?  And that's just it: Let go. Let it all go.  And remember, when someone has something to say or advice or anything like that, take it at face value - it relates to that one isolated event and shouldn't be lumped into the category of "I always" or I never" and generalising.

Every day is a new day, Rome wasn't built over night, I know it takes time but dammit I want results now, that's just my personality.  I want to be better, I want to be whole-heartedly happy and full.  I do believe I have that in me, I just need to learn to stop taking everything so personally and like the entire world is against me.

Anyways, I have to go.  I'll write tomorrow.  Much love! xo

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