Really just not feeling it lately.  It started when I got sick at the beginning of February, like voice changing, sore throat, sounding like Aunt Thelma and blowing rediculous amounts of crap out of my face.  It's been good times and I'm still not 100% almost 2 weeks later now.  I'm still blowing my face off.  I should acquire some shares in Kleenex.  My poor nose is hurt.  I don't know what it is about the male race but when you guys out there get sick, look out.  The world has come to a momentary halt.  But if a woman gets sick, oh no, she still has to tidy up, still has to go get groceries, still has to clean the toilet because you men are filthy, and still had to do laundry.  All while feeling like a scrumptious bag of shit.  Never am I asked, oh how was your day or are you feeling any better.  Instead I get grief and anger and jealousy because I'm home and you're NOT.  WTF?  Pardon me for having PAID sick days that I am entitled to use, for you know when I get sick.  So I was kind of looking forward to this past weekend and having the place to myself (me and the dogs).  Jeff went up north for his annual dog sled weekend and sure enough, he wasn't a happy camper at all, bickering with his brother all weekend long and just generally not wanting to be there.  But I had to sit and listen to him bitch, grumble and chew.  Fine, whatever.  But when you come home like that in a foul mood, sure I get your tired and sore, but seriously, can't you just be HAPPY to be home and that your dreadful weekend is over?  No, you must continue bitching?  I'm tired of being a punching bag when all I try to do is care about people and am concerned how they're feeling.  I'm trying my very best and hardest to change my ways, be more calm and on the defensive, but how can you be expected to change when shit around just stays the same?  I feel like he can be so toxic sometimes and really, freaking out about the littlest things in the world are a waste of time. 

I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm frustrated.  Frustrated that even when I voice my own thoughts or opinions in how I feel, they get dismissed or fluffed off with an explanation.  Or a competition, "yeah, well you do/say/act/ ______".  I think its just unfair to want someone to change and better themself when you're doing nothing to better yourself.  Getting angry at me over stupid shit isn't going to solve any problems.

I hope within the next few years, say within the next ten years, I'm going to do my yoga teacher training and then I'm going to try to get a part time job and then after I get some experience and hours put in, I may try to do this professionally as a career.  Of course, that would mean teaching a shit ton of classes a week but whatever, if it's something you enjoy, why the hell not?

And so today is Valentines Day.  Do you really think I give a fuck?  Not at all.  I'm preparing a nice meal at home but beyond that, fuck it.  I'm tired of always being the one that puts forth the energy or effort...........................

On a much happier, lighter note

Day 15 and counting for me.  And, also happy to report that Jeff is at Day 3!!  It's been trying at best at certain times, but for the most part, okay.  The crazy/erractic/emotional behaviour is thanks to yours truly.  The patience isn't there and I find myself losing it over the most stupid shit.  Or just plain ol' getting frustrated and feeling helpless.  For instance, Charlie's been in and out of a cone for the better part of the last two weeks because of a hot spot he invoked on his right back leg.  So when he's not wearing the cone aka when we're home during the evenings, his leg is bandaged up with some of that non-stick tape.  Well didn't you know it that last night, as I was on the phone for 2 seconds and about 6 feet away from Charlie, he started trying to frantically get the tape off.  This is all after having given them a nice bath to clean them up, clean up Charlie's leg so he'd be all fresh...got them dried, brushed, put their matching grey cable knitted sweaters on, and we were leaving, only to receive a call from Dina telling us that the photog's camera was broken down at the mall and didn't know how long it'd take to get fixed....All the while it was raining outside.  So we decided to say forget it, got the car parked again, dogs back inside and upstairs, de-leashed. de-collared and de-clothed and phone call 10 minutes after saying that it might be okay.  At that point I threw in the towel because I was pissed off at myself for leaving this to the last minute and basically walking myself into this crappy situation that I could have easily avoided the weekend previous.  Not to mention, I was frustrated with Charlie because I lost my cool with him and smacked him, and put his cone promptly on again.  I was angry with myself that I took out my frustration on Charlie....Been trying to heal up his leg and do the right thing for him, only for him to set us back again. Oh well, not the end of the world, but I was quite hard on myself and being so frustrated with Charlie. 

Friday night was a melt down too.  I came home and it was your typical Friday scene.  I come home, anticipating that a tornado has gone through our place and sure enough, it had.  I come in, Jeff looks sheepish and is trying to put away a few things.  Thing is, I'm predictable when it comes to certain behaviours and things that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy.  Like for the love of christ, please pick up after yourself, I shouldn't have to.  You're 35, take some ownership for your actions.  And I was also coming home to Jeff that, in my opinion, had not even tried to quit smoking.  Sure, you know what?  I was in the wrong there.  I shouldn't have been critical of him because I know what it's like to cave and fail.  Huge shame and lots of anger.  I've failed too so to criticize him for doing the same?  I shouldn't have.  Whatever.  I did though.  \

I guess in the end, I learned that I am a very erratic, emotionally-driven and generally psycho when I'm withdrawing from this nasty thing we call smoking.  I've been a nasty, emotional and angry/frustrated bitch and I've been taking it out in all the wrong places and people, I should just learn to handle my shit and not feel like I'm "entitled" to lose my shit therefore I can lose it on someone.  I can say a lot of hurtful things, things that I don't mean and some of the things I've said in the past could really come back to bite me in the ass.  It's what I do best, it seems.  I push people away like the best of them, because if I sense any bit of hurt coming my way, I'll push the situation away so I can avoid it like the plague.  Avoidance doesn't aid the situation either, eh?  Just an FYI. LOL  I know a lot of this, but I have difficulty not expressing my thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to yell to get my point across.  I just so often feel misunderstood.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on this planet for no good reason at all, that maybe I'm just here because it's convenient for others, that I'm a friend and fun to hand around and therefore it's comfortable....I place too much doubt in people that I often create these scenarios often on my own.  I need to spew the negativity out and try to say at least one positive thing about something every time.  I'm just so "at home" with being negative or saying really hurtful, mean things about myself because I figure if I can make myself hurt like I do, then you won't hurt me nearly as bad, and I guess in a way I'm putting this protective layer of skin on so that others can't hurt me.  Well enough with the hurting, because I'm sick of hurting myself and others.  I have nothing but the best of intentions for others and the last thing I want to do is to push people away and hurt them.  Need. to. Break. the. Cycle.

Christmas is quickly approaching.  I haven't quite decided if I'm going to put the tree up, I'm torn to be honest.  Haven't got too many things to get this year, I'll be getting a few things for Jeff and I (we're not buying much this year because we're saving to go away and do our advanced open water certifications in 2012), something for my mom and Brian, Jeff's parents, Jeff's moody brother, his son and his two daughters.  That's it, so that isn't too bad.

Toodles.