Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Really just not feeling it lately.  It started when I got sick at the beginning of February, like voice changing, sore throat, sounding like Aunt Thelma and blowing rediculous amounts of crap out of my face.  It's been good times and I'm still not 100% almost 2 weeks later now.  I'm still blowing my face off.  I should acquire some shares in Kleenex.  My poor nose is hurt.  I don't know what it is about the male race but when you guys out there get sick, look out.  The world has come to a momentary halt.  But if a woman gets sick, oh no, she still has to tidy up, still has to go get groceries, still has to clean the toilet because you men are filthy, and still had to do laundry.  All while feeling like a scrumptious bag of shit.  Never am I asked, oh how was your day or are you feeling any better.  Instead I get grief and anger and jealousy because I'm home and you're NOT.  WTF?  Pardon me for having PAID sick days that I am entitled to use, for you know when I get sick.  So I was kind of looking forward to this past weekend and having the place to myself (me and the dogs).  Jeff went up north for his annual dog sled weekend and sure enough, he wasn't a happy camper at all, bickering with his brother all weekend long and just generally not wanting to be there.  But I had to sit and listen to him bitch, grumble and chew.  Fine, whatever.  But when you come home like that in a foul mood, sure I get your tired and sore, but seriously, can't you just be HAPPY to be home and that your dreadful weekend is over?  No, you must continue bitching?  I'm tired of being a punching bag when all I try to do is care about people and am concerned how they're feeling.  I'm trying my very best and hardest to change my ways, be more calm and on the defensive, but how can you be expected to change when shit around just stays the same?  I feel like he can be so toxic sometimes and really, freaking out about the littlest things in the world are a waste of time. 

I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm frustrated.  Frustrated that even when I voice my own thoughts or opinions in how I feel, they get dismissed or fluffed off with an explanation.  Or a competition, "yeah, well you do/say/act/ ______".  I think its just unfair to want someone to change and better themself when you're doing nothing to better yourself.  Getting angry at me over stupid shit isn't going to solve any problems.

I hope within the next few years, say within the next ten years, I'm going to do my yoga teacher training and then I'm going to try to get a part time job and then after I get some experience and hours put in, I may try to do this professionally as a career.  Of course, that would mean teaching a shit ton of classes a week but whatever, if it's something you enjoy, why the hell not?

And so today is Valentines Day.  Do you really think I give a fuck?  Not at all.  I'm preparing a nice meal at home but beyond that, fuck it.  I'm tired of always being the one that puts forth the energy or effort...........................

On a much happier, lighter note

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