Weekend pics and the fun that was had... OooOooHhh... Not that exciting, trust me..Lol

This past weekend was another nice and relaxing one.  Jeff went up north late on Thursday night I guess it was, for the weekend to participate in another tournament (they're monthly).  Friday I had work and a pot luck at lunch with my department, which was really nice.  We try and have those every few months and it's just nice to be able to relax, chat and not necessarily about work shit.  Friday afternoon was spent feeling full and uncomfortable (lol) and then I went home for the evening and had a friend come over and visit for a bit.  God my memory is getting foggy at the moment, it feels like a century has passed since last week. 
Saturday morning, mom and I made plans to go to the gym and I did a Bodypump class for an hour, while she did her own thing, had a shower and then afterwards, we went back to my place and grabbed the boys and my lunch (leftover stirfry and couscous from the night before) and off we went to my mom's house for the afternoon.  We went grocery shopping, the boys played with mom's dogs, mom and I watched the boob tube and I also did some laundry (oh so much fun, don't you agree? lol).  Went back home around 7 ish and then went down around 8:30/9 to Dina's for some Chinese food.  After we ate, we went back upstairs to Jeff and I's and we watched Old Boy.  I loved the movie so I made Dina watch it as well. 
Sunday morning, got up and got ready for the gym, had a shower afterwards then mom and I went to the mall so that I could make my pants that I busted up the previous Wednesday from falling into shorts.  We went into a couple of stores and an hour later, Mom had bought me 3 dresses (one of which I probably would not have picked let alone try on, but glad I did), a flowy top and two tank tops.  Mom's are AWESOME!!  After that, I went home and cleaned some, vegged some with the dogs and Jeff got back home around 7 p.m. just in time for dinner.

This week has been busy.  Yesterday I was supposed to leave early from work but as it happened, we both ended up taking the day off because of some bad news about his mom we got on Monday night.  Yesterday was spent figuring out logistics of his mom and the hospital and getting our car into the shop earlier than we had planned (Friday was the day it was going to go in) but given her state, we wanted the car to be safe... so there went nearly $1,700.  *faints and has heart attack*

More later.....

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Having technical difficulties with the pics...Will update that later

Long ass post

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, I'm just so frustrated lately.  Since November of last year, I've taken huge steps and made great strides in trying to improve myself, my communication, trying to understand my thoughts and a hell of a lot more that I just don't feel like listing off. 

I've been flip flopping about just how much I want to say about the matter but I might as well, writing is an outlet and always makes me feel a bit better......

In November of last year, I had a bit of a breakdown.  I was on the verge of being taken to the hospital and I pleaded not to in between sobbing, choking back tears.  After some pushing and self-realization, I sought help.  And with each passing day, literally, I feel like I'm getting better and I'm feeling better.  I feel the best I have in such a long, long time, I can't even tell you.  I'm learning more about myself, I'm communicating how I feel, and I'm communicating in a positive manner.  Sure I have my days where I want to flip my lid but I'm not angry and sad and depressed like I once was.  You see, I've been like this for a very long time and it took many doctors, years and medications for it to "click".  We ALL have our traumas in life and checkered pasts, but I'm learning to look forward, trying to be more positive and less negative (I'm very negative on the inside, especially concerning myself), I'm trying to take steps to better myself, better US, better life.  The first few weeks on the meds were just awful and even that's putting it real lightly.  Immediately the same day I started the meds, I was feeling it.  I experienced every side effect under the sun for this new medication and frankly it really put me on my ass.  I was so sick I couldn't even make it to the gym because I had no energy, I had wobbly legs, nausea and I felt like I would've passed out.  I really didn't want the Ambulance called while at the gym.  So as much as it killed me not to go, I took it easy for the first 2-3 weeks.  I'd say by the 3-4 week mark, I feeling significantly better and people all around me were noticing a huge change, positively, in me.  I felt it but I can't tell you how it felt when people would tell me that I seemed different.  It was like I had a calm just come over me and I really have no desire for conflict or to blow my lid.  In conjunction with seeing my doctor and finding a perfect concoction that worked for me, I began seeing a social worker and doing some work with her on communicating better and CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  I believe that based on the circumstances that were my life since I was a young child, which was when my father passed away five days before my third birthday and then burying him on my third birthday.  Casting that aside and not cutting short any of the experiences and trauma's I've experienced in my 30 young years, I knew that somewhere deep inside was this person that loved life and wanted to live fully and freely without all this baggage and weight on my chest.  In the last 12 years, my husband has dealt with and put up with a lot.  That's not to say that he didn't know he was signing on to be with some psycho pants that couldn't deal with her shit.  My entire life I've felt like I've never been good enough.  Most of that is self-induced because I self-impose this huge expectation of what I should or shouldn't be.  When I met Jeff, nothing else matter.  I told him everything right from the get go.  And after telling him everything, I still asked him, "Are you going to leave me like the rest of them?".  I didn't trust.  Everyone always used me (and vice versa now looking back), I was looking for love in all the wrong places but looking back, I was looking for love, looking for acceptance.. I was tired of being picked on and cast aside by people when I wasn't important or relevant anymore.  He was in it with me for the long haul.  He knew things about me that no one knew.  He was and is my best friend.  But along the way, he's taken on far too many roles and he now wears too many hats and he's taken on the burden of all my shit and all the negative that has been me and my life.  I will be the first person to say that I'm not perfect, but I've always had good intentions and I love and am passionate about things and people with my entire being.  So I guess where I'm going is that through the years, Jeff has been by my side, holding me up, picking me up off the floor in a million little pieces and now that I'm finally changing and being the person that I truly want to be and am, I feel like he's stuck, stagnant and in the same place and not doing a damn thing to better himself or his life.  He see's me changing and I know it's different and weird and probably scary and unfamiliar, but it's like he's digging in his heels, resisting change and trying to bring me back down to a dark place.  It's like once I work on one issue or grievance he has with me, he moves down the list to the next issue.  I just don't understand how someone can be so negative and condescending and critical.  I feel like that's mostly all he does, criticize me or takes a dig.  And I know this process is not overnight and yes I know that I've put him through hell and it's unfamiliar and new to him, this new "me", but for fuck sakes I'm tired of feeling like what I say or how I feel doesn't matter or is insignificant.  I used to be angry but I'm not anymore.  I'm sad, I'm hurt and I'm disappointed.  I can have full out conversations with him and he won't hear me... I will literally be waiting for a response and all I hear is crickets.  He'll respond by saying "Mmmhmm" or "Yes" and more often than not, it's even relevant to what I've just said.  And he think it's hilarious.  It's so incredibly frustrating.  I used to cry nearly every day before I went to the doctor in November but lately, I've cried a couple of times just because I'm so frustrated and sad that I just don't feel like I'm heard.  I feel like it's just his opinions that matter and fuck what I say or think. 

I'm a runaway train with this right now so I'm going to stop there.  Things right now are trying... I feel like I'm putting effort in and he's put up with so much bullshit over the years that he just can't muster up any more effort.  And if he feels that way, okay, let's deal with it.  If it's not fixable, then eventually we need to move on.  I love him to pieces but I'm not sure that's enough for him.  Has the damage already been done and now it can't be un-done?  Time will tell.  I'm just so confused and frustrated.
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And more Kina pictures... She's such an amazing dog.  I feel like she looks into my soul.  I've cried into her fur so many times I can't even count, I just love her so much.  Tonight will be my last visit with her as her pet parents are coming home from vacation early tomorrow morning.

I thought the sky was just beautiful here.

 SELFIES lol

 

 

We went snowshoeing last weekend and while I would've put up a picture, I just discovered Jeff blocked me from Facebook or deactivated his facebook.    LOL Oh the drama.  Fuck my life...

Two weeks til Christmas! **Errr apparently this didn't post yesterday**

It's been almost a week since I last wrote so I figure we're long overdue for an update.

We've been at my mom's house for a week now and everything has been smooth sailing thus far.  Everyone has been getting along smashingly, the boys put on a show every night of them dueling and Quincey always, always tries to mediate and get in between the two, thinking that they're legit squabbling.  Not at all, they're just horsing around like two little boys that they are.  Delilah, she's doing well.  She's Miss Wigglebum.  The boys are enjoying all the space and the big backyard.  It also snowed a few days ago and they've literally been running around like little idiots, just having a blast.  They come inside and they look like little polar bears with snow all over their faces and beards.  :) 

This past weekend I was pet sitting, although the weekend wasn't too bad.  The busiest parts of my day were between 1 pm and 4 pm.  I had a bit of an emergency with a elderly client that I visit in the afternoon at a retirement home.  I got there, her door was locked.. Doesn't happen too often but I went back to the lobby and got her key from the front desk.  Went up and Quincy, her Yorkie happily greeted me and but no client.  I called out her name and she didn't answer.  I peeked inside her bedroom and she was in bed, fast asleep.  Now in my over a year and a half of seeing her, I've never once seen her in bed.   So, I walked over to her and touched her while saying her name a few times and eventually she roused but she was completely out of it, she had to ask me what day it was.  She kept saying she was sorry and I kept reassuring it was okay and that I was just worried about her.  I asked her if she wanted help up and she said no and I asked her if she thought she'd be okay with being on her own while I took her dog out for a walk and she said yes.  So off for a walk we went and when I went back, she was in the bathroom and just kept saying her head felt funny and she felt weak and dizzy.  She couldn't hold a glass so I grabbed the glass of water I brought to her and she came to sit down.  At that point, she asked me if I could call her daughter and ask her if she could come and that she was unwell.  So I obliged and her daughter told me to call downstairs for the nurse and she came up.  Basically, we came to the conclusion that she must have taken her Saturday pills and she was overdosing.  She couldn't explain where they were but insisted she didn't take them, to which we both said to her, well if you didn't take them, what happened to them?  I ended up staying with her almost an hour and a half and her daughter was on her way, I just felt so terrible for her and again, she kept saying she was sorry for inconveniencing me and that she didn't want to trouble anyone and I assured her she wasn't and that we were only concerned because we love and care for her.  She broke my heart though.. I held her hand and wiped her tears, she was so apologetic.  She lost her daughter earlier this year to cancer and no mother should bury their child before themselves.. So I know that was really hard on her and her son had a terrible accident a couple of years ago that's left him brain damaged.. I think it's just a culmination of things.  So this was on Saturday and on Sunday, I went to see her again and her son that usually visits every Sunday with his caregiver but he wasn't there, the caregiver came for a visit to see how she was doing and she was much, much better.  A completely different person and looked like the lady that I've known all along.  It was just nice to see her more like herself rather than incoherent and out of it.

This week has been pretty uneventful.  I did go see a friend's 11 week old French Bulldog that is cute as a button.  The ears, her feet, her belly....they're all just so delicious, she's a darling.

I must go but here are some pictures.  Enjoy! :)



Saturday morning

 This is Chelsea, a German Short-haired Pointer

 The kids out back on Saturday morning.  Delilah on the right and below, Quincey.

This is Madigan

And Tyco

Sunday morning



The beautiful Beau.



 

 

 Hennessey, above, she's hilarious and very dramatic and below is Cujo, a feisty Pom! lol

This guy bopped me in the nose and gave me a nose bleed on Saturday lol

Mr. Hamish.  What a character!



Going Vegetarian and other things

I've been unintentionally putting it off but I think once the New Year hits, I'm going vegetarian.  I want to.  I need to. It's going to happen.  I've seen too much, read too much... all of which can't be undone or rather, I can't plead ignorance like so many billion people do.  I know that animals are sensitive BEINGS and I don't care if you disagree with that statement or not, it is my opinion and mine alone.  You can't tell me that animals don't feel.  Look at mother cows that have their calves taken away, same with horse... They cry for days..... Same with marine life, they bellow at ridiculous unchartered levels of decibels trying to communicate with their loved ones that are taken from them or mercilessly slaughtered.  There is no humane way to kill an animal.  There just isn't.  So, it is what it is, I'm not going to be a staunch, rigid vegetarian that turns my nose up at stuff I won't eat, I'll be polite.. and of course that's not to say I'll never, ever eat meat again, but at this time in my life, I can't do it anymore.  So I've set a deadline and I'll abide by it.

On a different note, I just got back from the sweat box aka the gym and combat class kicked my ass.  I only lasted 35 minutes of the 45 minute class, fuck they're intense.  I'm realising that I'm not completely 100% yet, almost but not quite.  I just feel gassed and low energy.  I'm about 3 weeks into taking my new meds and while I feel infinite times better than that first week/week and a half, I'll hopefully be feeling marvelous by 4 to 6 weeks.  My dilated/enlarged pupils still creep me out but hopefully that subsides too.  We'll see. I'm optimistic.  Most of all, I'm happy again and smiling and not just pretending or faking it because that's what I feel I have to do to be normal or to get by.

Totally unrelated but wanting to write about it.  So now that I'm 30, it's like I've turned into an old lady.  Jeff and I both are old farts.  We get up once, twice a night to pee and usually end up passing each other coming and going in the hall way, it's hilarious.  Not really.  It's really disruptive to our sleep!!  The boys never budge.  Charlie has been sleeping above my head or on my pillow lately, he's been quite tired.  Poor little love, life is just so damn tough.  And Baxter, the past couple of mornings he's been laying at the end of the bed stretched out and I'll pass beside the bed and he'll crawl under the covers and be my leg warmer.  I love having a warm furry beside me sleeping, it's so comforting.  That's not to say I don't like sleeping beside Jeff, lol, I do, of course!  *smiles*  Speaking of the dogs, they're over at my mom's house today for a play date with her two, along with Lily and Stella, a neighbour of ours' dogs that lives downstairs.  They go visit my mom for the day at least once a week and they come home EXHAUSTED!  It's adorable just how tanked they are.  They come home, have dinner and then both disappear into their respective hiding spots to sleep, Charlie in the closet and Baxter stretched out on our bed.

Well, it's been a busy afternoon so that's all for now.  Off home to get the dogs, go home, make dinner, wait for Jeff to get home from crossfit and then go out and buy something and make for my work potluck lunch tomorrow. 

Peace and love xo

Purty flowers Jeff got me for no reason at all

Hump day!

Just uploading some pictures from my iPhone.  I lost my entire contact list over the weekend, which was the beez-neez let me tell you.  So odd.  So at that point, and in conjunction with it crashing all the time, I said fuck it and took off all the hacked apps and what not, restored it to factory and upgraded to the iOS 6, which runs super smooth and quick now.

What else is new with moi????  I'm going away in May with my mom and aunt to Barbados!!!! They're going for 2 weeks and I'll be joining them on the second week but I'll be staying 9 nights the way that the weekends work and there's a stat holiday in there as well, so I get to miss only 5 work days which is pretty sweet.  Jeff is a bit bummed but excited and happy for me.  He pouted a bit, which is to be expected.  But how can I go wrong spending $600 to stay for 9 nights in paradise?  I can't.  You can't even grasp straws to give me reasons why its not a good idea.

I'm pet sitting this weekend, really busy which is alright.  Lots of clients I've never met before.  A couple of Shelties, a lab, a husky, some cats, fish, etc.

Jeff and I right now are good.  Of course things change in an instant but I will persevere and not give up hope that things will get better. 

Namaste and have a great day!

How true indeed.

 I'm posting a few pics of Baxter aka Baggy aka Toad.  I take most pics of Charlie because he doesn't move around much and Baxter is usually all over the place unless he's passed out in bed or on the couch just tanked.  He's such a little sweetheart.  He's changed so much in the last few years.  Little man is 5 now.  Charlie's birthday is coming up May 23rd, he'll be 6 (!!!!!!) - Crazy how time flies......

Loves a good ear scratch

When he yawns, it's a good thing.  Means he's happy and relaxed :)

At work yesterday.  Shameless, I know.