Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Long ass post

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, I'm just so frustrated lately.  Since November of last year, I've taken huge steps and made great strides in trying to improve myself, my communication, trying to understand my thoughts and a hell of a lot more that I just don't feel like listing off. 

I've been flip flopping about just how much I want to say about the matter but I might as well, writing is an outlet and always makes me feel a bit better......

In November of last year, I had a bit of a breakdown.  I was on the verge of being taken to the hospital and I pleaded not to in between sobbing, choking back tears.  After some pushing and self-realization, I sought help.  And with each passing day, literally, I feel like I'm getting better and I'm feeling better.  I feel the best I have in such a long, long time, I can't even tell you.  I'm learning more about myself, I'm communicating how I feel, and I'm communicating in a positive manner.  Sure I have my days where I want to flip my lid but I'm not angry and sad and depressed like I once was.  You see, I've been like this for a very long time and it took many doctors, years and medications for it to "click".  We ALL have our traumas in life and checkered pasts, but I'm learning to look forward, trying to be more positive and less negative (I'm very negative on the inside, especially concerning myself), I'm trying to take steps to better myself, better US, better life.  The first few weeks on the meds were just awful and even that's putting it real lightly.  Immediately the same day I started the meds, I was feeling it.  I experienced every side effect under the sun for this new medication and frankly it really put me on my ass.  I was so sick I couldn't even make it to the gym because I had no energy, I had wobbly legs, nausea and I felt like I would've passed out.  I really didn't want the Ambulance called while at the gym.  So as much as it killed me not to go, I took it easy for the first 2-3 weeks.  I'd say by the 3-4 week mark, I feeling significantly better and people all around me were noticing a huge change, positively, in me.  I felt it but I can't tell you how it felt when people would tell me that I seemed different.  It was like I had a calm just come over me and I really have no desire for conflict or to blow my lid.  In conjunction with seeing my doctor and finding a perfect concoction that worked for me, I began seeing a social worker and doing some work with her on communicating better and CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  I believe that based on the circumstances that were my life since I was a young child, which was when my father passed away five days before my third birthday and then burying him on my third birthday.  Casting that aside and not cutting short any of the experiences and trauma's I've experienced in my 30 young years, I knew that somewhere deep inside was this person that loved life and wanted to live fully and freely without all this baggage and weight on my chest.  In the last 12 years, my husband has dealt with and put up with a lot.  That's not to say that he didn't know he was signing on to be with some psycho pants that couldn't deal with her shit.  My entire life I've felt like I've never been good enough.  Most of that is self-induced because I self-impose this huge expectation of what I should or shouldn't be.  When I met Jeff, nothing else matter.  I told him everything right from the get go.  And after telling him everything, I still asked him, "Are you going to leave me like the rest of them?".  I didn't trust.  Everyone always used me (and vice versa now looking back), I was looking for love in all the wrong places but looking back, I was looking for love, looking for acceptance.. I was tired of being picked on and cast aside by people when I wasn't important or relevant anymore.  He was in it with me for the long haul.  He knew things about me that no one knew.  He was and is my best friend.  But along the way, he's taken on far too many roles and he now wears too many hats and he's taken on the burden of all my shit and all the negative that has been me and my life.  I will be the first person to say that I'm not perfect, but I've always had good intentions and I love and am passionate about things and people with my entire being.  So I guess where I'm going is that through the years, Jeff has been by my side, holding me up, picking me up off the floor in a million little pieces and now that I'm finally changing and being the person that I truly want to be and am, I feel like he's stuck, stagnant and in the same place and not doing a damn thing to better himself or his life.  He see's me changing and I know it's different and weird and probably scary and unfamiliar, but it's like he's digging in his heels, resisting change and trying to bring me back down to a dark place.  It's like once I work on one issue or grievance he has with me, he moves down the list to the next issue.  I just don't understand how someone can be so negative and condescending and critical.  I feel like that's mostly all he does, criticize me or takes a dig.  And I know this process is not overnight and yes I know that I've put him through hell and it's unfamiliar and new to him, this new "me", but for fuck sakes I'm tired of feeling like what I say or how I feel doesn't matter or is insignificant.  I used to be angry but I'm not anymore.  I'm sad, I'm hurt and I'm disappointed.  I can have full out conversations with him and he won't hear me... I will literally be waiting for a response and all I hear is crickets.  He'll respond by saying "Mmmhmm" or "Yes" and more often than not, it's even relevant to what I've just said.  And he think it's hilarious.  It's so incredibly frustrating.  I used to cry nearly every day before I went to the doctor in November but lately, I've cried a couple of times just because I'm so frustrated and sad that I just don't feel like I'm heard.  I feel like it's just his opinions that matter and fuck what I say or think. 

I'm a runaway train with this right now so I'm going to stop there.  Things right now are trying... I feel like I'm putting effort in and he's put up with so much bullshit over the years that he just can't muster up any more effort.  And if he feels that way, okay, let's deal with it.  If it's not fixable, then eventually we need to move on.  I love him to pieces but I'm not sure that's enough for him.  Has the damage already been done and now it can't be un-done?  Time will tell.  I'm just so confused and frustrated.

And more Kina pictures... She's such an amazing dog.  I feel like she looks into my soul.  I've cried into her fur so many times I can't even count, I just love her so much.  Tonight will be my last visit with her as her pet parents are coming home from vacation early tomorrow morning.

I thought the sky was just beautiful here.


We went snowshoeing last weekend and while I would've put up a picture, I just discovered Jeff blocked me from Facebook or deactivated his facebook.    LOL Oh the drama.  Fuck my life...

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