Open letter and my weekend

I feel like my heart is breaking and there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. No matter what I say, what I do, or how long, I'm going to pay the rest of my life for my past mistakes and short comings. I never said I was perfect, I've been so open and raw and vulnerable to the real me, the real person beneath it all...  but I just feel like I'm never going to be the person you want me to be. I will never be this perfect person you so seemingly are trying to find within me... 

Twelve years ago I opened my heart when I shut everyone and everything out. I broke my walls down to my vulnerability.... And now because you feel justified and righteous, I will forever be trying to apologize and make it up to you for being a monster. I can't keep saying I'm sorry for the rest of my life when it's more than just me. Own your shit, let shit go. Stop throwing everything in my face and let it GO. Stop holding everything over my head as ammunition to justify how you feel. I'm trying so hard to be a better, more caring, honest and open person but Im not the one that can make you happy. YOU are the creator of your own happiness... 

I opened my heart and told you I couldn't have my heart broken any more....and my heart is breaking because we're falling apart and it's up to me to bandaid it back together. I never mattered to anyone before you and it breaks me into a million pieces when you tell me you've been unhappy for years... And yet, I'm still here.... Because I love you and I just can't walk away. :( 

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Not having a great last 36 hours. Had a amazing breaking with our good friend Dina while watching the Canada vs.  Sweden hockey game this morning. Jeff was supposed to go to a match with his dad and brother but bailed on them last minute... This afternoon I met up with some old work friends from one of my first jobs back when I was 15. Nice to see the girls and it's so awesome that after all these ears we still get together to catch up. <3 

Goodnight.