Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 15 and counting for me.  And, also happy to report that Jeff is at Day 3!!  It's been trying at best at certain times, but for the most part, okay.  The crazy/erractic/emotional behaviour is thanks to yours truly.  The patience isn't there and I find myself losing it over the most stupid shit.  Or just plain ol' getting frustrated and feeling helpless.  For instance, Charlie's been in and out of a cone for the better part of the last two weeks because of a hot spot he invoked on his right back leg.  So when he's not wearing the cone aka when we're home during the evenings, his leg is bandaged up with some of that non-stick tape.  Well didn't you know it that last night, as I was on the phone for 2 seconds and about 6 feet away from Charlie, he started trying to frantically get the tape off.  This is all after having given them a nice bath to clean them up, clean up Charlie's leg so he'd be all them dried, brushed, put their matching grey cable knitted sweaters on, and we were leaving, only to receive a call from Dina telling us that the photog's camera was broken down at the mall and didn't know how long it'd take to get fixed....All the while it was raining outside.  So we decided to say forget it, got the car parked again, dogs back inside and upstairs, de-leashed. de-collared and de-clothed and phone call 10 minutes after saying that it might be okay.  At that point I threw in the towel because I was pissed off at myself for leaving this to the last minute and basically walking myself into this crappy situation that I could have easily avoided the weekend previous.  Not to mention, I was frustrated with Charlie because I lost my cool with him and smacked him, and put his cone promptly on again.  I was angry with myself that I took out my frustration on Charlie....Been trying to heal up his leg and do the right thing for him, only for him to set us back again. Oh well, not the end of the world, but I was quite hard on myself and being so frustrated with Charlie. 

Friday night was a melt down too.  I came home and it was your typical Friday scene.  I come home, anticipating that a tornado has gone through our place and sure enough, it had.  I come in, Jeff looks sheepish and is trying to put away a few things.  Thing is, I'm predictable when it comes to certain behaviours and things that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy.  Like for the love of christ, please pick up after yourself, I shouldn't have to.  You're 35, take some ownership for your actions.  And I was also coming home to Jeff that, in my opinion, had not even tried to quit smoking.  Sure, you know what?  I was in the wrong there.  I shouldn't have been critical of him because I know what it's like to cave and fail.  Huge shame and lots of anger.  I've failed too so to criticize him for doing the same?  I shouldn't have.  Whatever.  I did though.  \

I guess in the end, I learned that I am a very erratic, emotionally-driven and generally psycho when I'm withdrawing from this nasty thing we call smoking.  I've been a nasty, emotional and angry/frustrated bitch and I've been taking it out in all the wrong places and people, I should just learn to handle my shit and not feel like I'm "entitled" to lose my shit therefore I can lose it on someone.  I can say a lot of hurtful things, things that I don't mean and some of the things I've said in the past could really come back to bite me in the ass.  It's what I do best, it seems.  I push people away like the best of them, because if I sense any bit of hurt coming my way, I'll push the situation away so I can avoid it like the plague.  Avoidance doesn't aid the situation either, eh?  Just an FYI. LOL  I know a lot of this, but I have difficulty not expressing my thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to yell to get my point across.  I just so often feel misunderstood.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on this planet for no good reason at all, that maybe I'm just here because it's convenient for others, that I'm a friend and fun to hand around and therefore it's comfortable....I place too much doubt in people that I often create these scenarios often on my own.  I need to spew the negativity out and try to say at least one positive thing about something every time.  I'm just so "at home" with being negative or saying really hurtful, mean things about myself because I figure if I can make myself hurt like I do, then you won't hurt me nearly as bad, and I guess in a way I'm putting this protective layer of skin on so that others can't hurt me.  Well enough with the hurting, because I'm sick of hurting myself and others.  I have nothing but the best of intentions for others and the last thing I want to do is to push people away and hurt them.  Need. to. Break. the. Cycle.

Christmas is quickly approaching.  I haven't quite decided if I'm going to put the tree up, I'm torn to be honest.  Haven't got too many things to get this year, I'll be getting a few things for Jeff and I (we're not buying much this year because we're saving to go away and do our advanced open water certifications in 2012), something for my mom and Brian, Jeff's parents, Jeff's moody brother, his son and his two daughters.  That's it, so that isn't too bad.


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