Monday - The abyss that I'm in.

I had a brutal weekend and this week doesn't look any better.  I'm in deep denial that I'm unwell and I need to take care of myself before I lose everything that means the world to me.  Before I lose my self.  I feel like I'm barely holding.  I'm falling into dirty habits that I used to once do.. It's bad.  I don't even feel like writing about it because I don't know who reads this page, if I know you or not and I'm deeply disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, angry, frustrated, embarrassed and depressed beyond belief.  Crying happens literally at the drop of my hat and I can't keep it together anymore.  I'm destroying everything in my life, including myself. 

So I guess for my 30th birthday present to myself is to sabotage anything and all in my life, including my self.  It's disgusting.  I don't even know who I am anymore and all those positive steps I took to move forward are all undone and I've done about 6,908,087 steps backwards.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that how I feel, all alone in this world, that's ultimately what's going to happen and it'll be my own doing.........................................

Busy Week and Dealing with Grief and Loss

The week has flown by, I'm incredibly busy at work, so much so that I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I got my hair did on Wednesday night, like chopped it off.  Again, like I always do every couple of years.  Working my butt off at the gym.  Had delish Mexican food with Jeff last night, while spending hours and hours the both of us reading the scandalous nearly 500-page document the Police made public on Sandro Lisi and Mayor Rob Ford.  I'm exhausted.  The dogs have been great this week. Super cute and cuddly, sleepy for a few days after the weekend and spending Monday at my mom's house with her two dogs and our friend's two dogs that she was looking after for the day.  It's been a whirlwind, to say the least.

And then there was yesterday.  It was the anniversary of the death of my beautiful friend Carissa left us one year ago.  She passed away in a tragic car accident and what makes it more sad is that she was turning her life around in so many ways and doing good things in the world, and then poof, she was gone.  Most of all, I miss that smile of her.  Even if her eyes read sadness and depression, her smile was brilliant and something that I'll carry with me until the day I died.  I'm most sad because I wasn't friends with her for all too long but we connected on a deep level that I can't even begin to convey.  What we had in that short period of time was special and I wish I had more time with her... we were just beginning our friendship and she was ripped away.  That's all I'm going to write about my dear friend, I'm getting upset just typing this out and I don't want to cry while sitting here at work.

The 27th anniversary of my father's death is also coming up next Tuesday.  Sigh.  Fuck how time flies. 

I'll write more later and post a pic of the hair cut... Too busy.  Ciao folks. <3 p="">