Monday, November 4, 2013

Monday - The abyss that I'm in.

I had a brutal weekend and this week doesn't look any better.  I'm in deep denial that I'm unwell and I need to take care of myself before I lose everything that means the world to me.  Before I lose my self.  I feel like I'm barely holding.  I'm falling into dirty habits that I used to once do.. It's bad.  I don't even feel like writing about it because I don't know who reads this page, if I know you or not and I'm deeply disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, angry, frustrated, embarrassed and depressed beyond belief.  Crying happens literally at the drop of my hat and I can't keep it together anymore.  I'm destroying everything in my life, including myself. 

So I guess for my 30th birthday present to myself is to sabotage anything and all in my life, including my self.  It's disgusting.  I don't even know who I am anymore and all those positive steps I took to move forward are all undone and I've done about 6,908,087 steps backwards.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that how I feel, all alone in this world, that's ultimately what's going to happen and it'll be my own doing.........................................

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