Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm so frustrated lately.  I slept like shit last night.  Both dogs aren't well.  Charlie's eyes are bothering him at the moment and Baxter has basically licked his right back foot to the point where there's a sore now and it's weeping.  He's actually limping and not walking on the leg now.  So epsom salt soaks is what I've been doing, the cone and that makes for a very unhappy boy.  Sleeping last night was virtually non existent.  Whether it was Baxter and not finding a comfortable spot, or Jeff reefing on the blankets, tossing and turning or just plain giving me lip because of his perception on things.  Um when you're laying in bed all night observing everything that's going on and what not, do not tell me this happened or I hogged the bed.  Excuse me but I remember crawling into bed with literally a couple of inches room.  That's it.  And I'm hogging the bed.  Things are just stressful lately.  I feel like Jeff and I are disconnected these days.  I try and try and do pretty much everything but I'm constantly given a hard time, joking or not, and it's like what the fuck more can I do to make YOUR existence happier?  And talking to him - forget it.  Most of the time I talk to him he's in the middle of something (naturally) and it'll go in one ear and out the other.  So nothing gets discussed or resolved, just tension builds.

And I think I'm becomming more and more aware of the fact that I'll never have a child, based on some of the nasty comments that have been made recently.  Just because I'm ennamored with someone's belly or asking questions doesn't mean I'm going to go out and get myself purposely pregnant, you know?  And furthermore, that's a bit insulting no?  I think I'll just chalk it up to never being fucking good enough.  I'll never be responsible enough, or smart enough or intuitive enough... Hell I'm not even mom material anyways, right, so why should I care?

I guess I care because it hurts my feelings.  Why is it always about other people and never about me? 

Very frustrated today and exhausted isn't even the word.  Fuck I hate this. And I hate starting out a morning, a Monday morning no less squabbling.  Makes for a great day!

Next weekend - possible aerials, Nancy's baby shower although I really don't want to go to that anymore (apparently there's wine being served - who the fuck serves wine at a baby shower?  Oh yeah, that's right, hardcore drinkers=ghetto)... I say this because I don't want to miss a aerials class for that.  So if I have to, I'll show up a bit late.  Then Sunday afternoon we're heading up to Jeff's brother to see the gang and his parents before they head back down to FL.  Exciting shit, let me tell you.

Peace, before I say anything I'll regret.

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