Friday, April 12, 2013


One of my favourite songs at the moment happens to be Rhianna's "Stay", it's one of those songs that speaks out to me. 
Ohhh the reason I hold on,
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone,
Funny you're the broken one but i'm the only one who needed saving,
Cause when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving
I feel like for far too long I've had this hole, this emptiness that needed filling.  I feel like my entire life I've had this emptiness inside that I can't explain.  I've been trying to find my way, my voice, if you will, for years and somewhere in the last 11 years I found it.  Only, now I have this giant mouth that is incapable (not incapable, but I guess I don't try to stifle it) to stay shut and my mouth tends to get me into trouble.  I have no censor and I think I need to back off and stop being pushy and expecting people to change their views to be more like mine, or to be sympathetic to things that bother me and that have cause.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is different and has different ways of dealing or coping with shit.  I can't live anyone else's life for them, I can't push my views onto other people, I am only responsible for myself and my actions.  And I need to be more accountable to my actions and the words that come out of my mouth and how I make people feel.  I feel like since I was little, I've always tried to accomodate people, to please people and as the years passed, I put upon myself this perfectionist type attitude, that if something wasn't done to this high standard that I've set for MYSELF, that I was a failure.  I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, nothing in the middle of the road or half assed.  I project A LOT of this shit onto myself.  I set myself up for failure because in my stupid mind I have these high expectations and sometimes I assume something is going to go one way and it doesn't and the world comes crashing down.
Yesterday, after bawling my eyes out for most of the evening from 5 pm to 11 pm, I've been told before, but it surprises me every time I hear it again - I hurt my best friend all the time.  I hurt him because I can't even be bothered to consider how he feels about anything or show him any sort of affection to show him that I care and he matters.  Here I thought I was this amazing, good person... but I'm not.  I need to hear validation and compliments and things like that because MY self esteem is poor.  I need to feel accepted, that I'm good enough... Because I feel like I'm never going to be good enough.  Yes, something that I (capitalize I!!) need to hear.  I need to hear that I'm important.  But right now, my wants and needs aren't important.  I have to fix 2 years worth of hurting my husband because I'm a piece of shit.  I hate myself for that and making him feel like he does.  Why do I hurt the one person that loves me to the moon, that uplifts me and supports me?  Why do we hurt the ones we love? 
My head feels the size of Jupiter today and my eyes look horrible, but I'm going to the gym shortly to work some of this shit out.  Have a great weekend.  Here's to a good one and a better next week.

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