Today is one of those not-so-good days.  I feel so tightly wound and stress that I'm thisclose to tears rolling down my face.  Why can't I change?  Why is it that I start out great, but I can never stay changed or reformed?  I just always let everyone around me down and mostly, myself.

Sigh.

It's snowing today....looks like this might actually stay around, it is afterall, almost December...which I can hardly believe.

No point in writing when I'm down, just wanted to write a bit.

Day 15 and counting for me.  And, also happy to report that Jeff is at Day 3!!  It's been trying at best at certain times, but for the most part, okay.  The crazy/erractic/emotional behaviour is thanks to yours truly.  The patience isn't there and I find myself losing it over the most stupid shit.  Or just plain ol' getting frustrated and feeling helpless.  For instance, Charlie's been in and out of a cone for the better part of the last two weeks because of a hot spot he invoked on his right back leg.  So when he's not wearing the cone aka when we're home during the evenings, his leg is bandaged up with some of that non-stick tape.  Well didn't you know it that last night, as I was on the phone for 2 seconds and about 6 feet away from Charlie, he started trying to frantically get the tape off.  This is all after having given them a nice bath to clean them up, clean up Charlie's leg so he'd be all fresh...got them dried, brushed, put their matching grey cable knitted sweaters on, and we were leaving, only to receive a call from Dina telling us that the photog's camera was broken down at the mall and didn't know how long it'd take to get fixed....All the while it was raining outside.  So we decided to say forget it, got the car parked again, dogs back inside and upstairs, de-leashed. de-collared and de-clothed and phone call 10 minutes after saying that it might be okay.  At that point I threw in the towel because I was pissed off at myself for leaving this to the last minute and basically walking myself into this crappy situation that I could have easily avoided the weekend previous.  Not to mention, I was frustrated with Charlie because I lost my cool with him and smacked him, and put his cone promptly on again.  I was angry with myself that I took out my frustration on Charlie....Been trying to heal up his leg and do the right thing for him, only for him to set us back again. Oh well, not the end of the world, but I was quite hard on myself and being so frustrated with Charlie. 

Friday night was a melt down too.  I came home and it was your typical Friday scene.  I come home, anticipating that a tornado has gone through our place and sure enough, it had.  I come in, Jeff looks sheepish and is trying to put away a few things.  Thing is, I'm predictable when it comes to certain behaviours and things that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy.  Like for the love of christ, please pick up after yourself, I shouldn't have to.  You're 35, take some ownership for your actions.  And I was also coming home to Jeff that, in my opinion, had not even tried to quit smoking.  Sure, you know what?  I was in the wrong there.  I shouldn't have been critical of him because I know what it's like to cave and fail.  Huge shame and lots of anger.  I've failed too so to criticize him for doing the same?  I shouldn't have.  Whatever.  I did though.  \

I guess in the end, I learned that I am a very erratic, emotionally-driven and generally psycho when I'm withdrawing from this nasty thing we call smoking.  I've been a nasty, emotional and angry/frustrated bitch and I've been taking it out in all the wrong places and people, I should just learn to handle my shit and not feel like I'm "entitled" to lose my shit therefore I can lose it on someone.  I can say a lot of hurtful things, things that I don't mean and some of the things I've said in the past could really come back to bite me in the ass.  It's what I do best, it seems.  I push people away like the best of them, because if I sense any bit of hurt coming my way, I'll push the situation away so I can avoid it like the plague.  Avoidance doesn't aid the situation either, eh?  Just an FYI. LOL  I know a lot of this, but I have difficulty not expressing my thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to yell to get my point across.  I just so often feel misunderstood.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on this planet for no good reason at all, that maybe I'm just here because it's convenient for others, that I'm a friend and fun to hand around and therefore it's comfortable....I place too much doubt in people that I often create these scenarios often on my own.  I need to spew the negativity out and try to say at least one positive thing about something every time.  I'm just so "at home" with being negative or saying really hurtful, mean things about myself because I figure if I can make myself hurt like I do, then you won't hurt me nearly as bad, and I guess in a way I'm putting this protective layer of skin on so that others can't hurt me.  Well enough with the hurting, because I'm sick of hurting myself and others.  I have nothing but the best of intentions for others and the last thing I want to do is to push people away and hurt them.  Need. to. Break. the. Cycle.

Christmas is quickly approaching.  I haven't quite decided if I'm going to put the tree up, I'm torn to be honest.  Haven't got too many things to get this year, I'll be getting a few things for Jeff and I (we're not buying much this year because we're saving to go away and do our advanced open water certifications in 2012), something for my mom and Brian, Jeff's parents, Jeff's moody brother, his son and his two daughters.  That's it, so that isn't too bad.

Toodles.

To say that I was being irrational and jumping to conclusions on Friday is an understatement.  I was not having a good day. 

Nevertheless, went home on Friday and we talked things out.  He had also cleaned up our place, started dinner and was being super nice.  See, that's all it takes for a good Friday.  Just a bit of helping out to show that you care means the world to me. 

Weekend was alright.  Went to Winter Woofstock on Saturday morning.  Spent a small fortune on the pups there getting them lots of treats, a new dog bed and two new knitted sweaters each, which I plan on putting them in tonight when I take them for a walk.

Yesterday I had planned on going to Aerials class but that never came to fruition because Alex is sick with a lung infection.  It was just as well that I didn't go, I was not having a great day yesterday with balance and just generally being a giant klutz.  Bruce came by last night and that's about it.

All in all, a pretty good weekend.

This weekend I'm going to bath them maybe Friday night or Saturday and then take them to get some pictures with Santa :) 

I may make Jeff out to be quite the ass at times, and you know what? I'll never not admit that I'm not the easiest to live with either, but he's the one person that has the patience of a saint when it comes to me, but he's my best friend and I love him more than anything.

xox

How would YOU feel if your own mother told you to get a divorce because you're so unhappy and he makes you cry?  I do not want to hear that shit, I'm sorry but I don't care who the hell you are but do not ever tell me to leave the one and only person that I have in my life.  I don't have any real girlfriends that I can spill my guts too and get some advice and or comfort from so in turn, I tend to tell my mom what's going through my brain and then she gets all mother-daughter defensive and thinks the solution to my problems and sometime unhappiness is leaving.  Yeah cause that just solves everything, doesn't it?  Saying I give up and turn and walk away.  That, in my opinion, is not comforting your issues but rather turning your back on them because it's easy or its convenient.

Sure there's times where I wish he'd talk to me more, tell me more so that I don't have to ask questions all the time or find out information from other people because you've neglected to tell me something, sometimes I wish you would comfort me more instead of showing me the "tough love" crap.  Sometimes all I need is just a hug and to be told that it'll be just fine, Lindsay, just take a deep breath and it'll be good. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in this alone, that all I have is myself and my dogs.  But I don't even have them.  He's joked before that if anything were to happen with us, that he'd strongarm me and take the dogs.  Nice, isn't it?  That's totally something I want looming over my head, the mere thought of you taking my dogs away from me.

I don't know what the hell is going on.  Seems like we go through peaks and valleys like this every so often.  I just wish I wasn't so damn negative on myself or so hard on myself.

And for Christ sakes, please let me stop crying at work.  I feel like a fucking idiot.  Sigh.

It's Friday, guess I shouldn't complain should I?  But I will, because all I want to do at the moment is to cry and crawl into bed until spring.

Peace.

So I ended up having a fantastic birthday, got flowers from Jeff at midnight on Thursday morning.  Had a surprisingly good day at work, then came home and went to dinner with Mom and Brian at the Pickel Barrel.  Friends came over that evening.  I later received a card and gorgeous necklace from my boo.  Mom had taken me shopping the previous week but she did get me another black dress and then she also got me a red purse.  All in all a really good birthday despite wanting to collapse into a mess of tears.  Friday wasn't a good day, because I jumped to conclusions and assumed.  Well I assumed wrong and I felt like a giant jackass.

The weekend wasn't crazy.  Saturday some friends came by.  Sunday I went to my aerials class and ran some errands.

For fun, here are some ABCs I found on another blog:

Age: 28

Bed size: Queen
Chore that you hate: dusting our condo, for some reason we get insane amounts of dust and I'm forever cleaning!!
Dogs: 2 Bichon's, Charlie and Baxter (4 and 3 respectively)
Essential to start your day: Wash my face, brush my teeth and turn coffee on for Jeff's cup to take with him to work.
Favorite Color: Black, Grey, Blue
Gold or Silver: Silver or white gold
Height: 5'8'' or 5'9"
Instruments you play: I played the flute in school.
Job Title: Legal Admin Assistant
Kids: Just the dogs
Live: outside of Toronto, Ontario
Mother's Name: Evelyn
Nicknames: Linds
Overnight hospital stays: tonsils, jaw surgery
Pet Peeves: Strumming fake nails along a table or something.  Not cleaning up after yourself.
Quote from a movie: Oh lord, not good with quotes.
Right or Left Hand: Right
Siblings: None
Truth or Dare: Truth lol
Ultimate Vacation: Africa OR some place diving
Vegetable you hate: Brussel sprouts!!!!
What Makes You Run Late: Not planning accordingly
X-rays you've had- Teeth, face, head, leg.
Yummy Food that you Make: It's all yummy, dammit lol
Zoo Animal: Elephants would be my favourite animal in general

So today is November 9th.. All week I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and just feeling 'down'.  Well maybe I can attribute that to November 5th being last Saturday.. the anniversary of the death of my father 25 years ago.  Twenty-five years ago.....  That's a lifetime ago.  And every year, it's always the same, it's never easier.  I miss him more than anyone can possibly imagine.  I miss what could have been, I miss having someone to call Dad, to do things with, laugh with... I missed all those things.  And due to the rocky relationship that my step-dad and I had, we never even had a civilized relationship until I hit the age of 19.  So even in that regard, I lost so many years to form a relationship with him.  It wasn't until push came to shove when Mom got sick and I had to sit him down and say enough of the non-sense.  I can't have my mother dying and us not communicating.  And so that's where it started.  Today, it couldn't be better.  Hell, he even walked me down the aisle to J.  Ask me that 10 years ago and I would have said a hell no.

November is usually a sad one for me.  Here I should be celebrating my life, my birthday but I feel guilty when I know in my heart I'm missing the one person that should be there but isn't and cannot be there.  All this week I've been feeling a bit a bit off and now that I think about it, I know why.

Tomorrow I turn 28.  Holy shit, I'm that much closer to 30 now!!! Ahhh!!

What else is new?  Charlie's sporting a cone for his own benefit, he created a hot spot on his back right leg so that's healing.  He got some antibiotics at the vet last week and I think it gave him an allergiv reaction because he's got these tiny bumps all over.  I counted last time 10 and I constantly feel the dogs over for bumps and what not, especially since Baxter had the sabaceous cyst on his back that I had removed back this summer.  It would only make sense if Charlie got these too, because, after all, they share the same DNA with having the same blood parents....So I'm hoping that my not giving him the pills anymore that they simply go away.  We'll see.

Tomorrow, a couple of people at work are taking me to lunch and then tomorrow night we're off to dinner with Mom and Brian.

Next time I write, I'll have to talk about my personal training session story from the gym... Ugh..

Anyways, have a good night.