Stuck on the train not happy about it face lol
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday/Thursday
Wednesday:
Holy shit balls, you'd think there was a full moon. Everyone is spazzing and snappy today. And I'm not one of them for once! LOL. Work is crazy. Not long after I started work here at the Commission, usually January, February and March were quieter months. These days, not so much. I guess we're gearing up for fiscal year end at the end of March, that contributes to it. Also, my boss is covering her boss and so she's doing two jobs, wearing two hats and she's super stressed, easily agitated quick to deflect blame to others. She had me apologise on her behalf to a co-worker because she was wrong. I called her on something that was discussed last year and after reiterating it a few times to her, she stated that she had just forgotten and can I go tell so and so that that was the case. Um sure, but you were wrong lady so don't be so quick to jump down people's throats. And chill people, take a god damn valium, a deep breath, something.
Things with us are comme ci, comme ca I suppose. Monday was uneventful to the fullest up until 5 something in the evening when he was at my mom's giving my step-dad a hair cut and I called my mom's house (because I knew if I reached him there he'd have no choice but to talk to me if I called her house lol). Asked him some PC questions because he formatted my computer in Sunday while I was out and I wanted to ask him before it had slipped my mind. All seemed ok but I braced for the silent treatment when he got back home. He got home, bringing the dogs along with him (my mom had all the dogs this past Monday bc she's going away to the Dominican Republic tomorrow and she wanted to make sure she'd see all of them before leaving. That night much was just left in the air and I asked he wanted to ask me anything (in regards to my leaving him a note on Sunday before heading out to meet some old workmates from back when I was 15/16
continued....
Thursday:
Didn't get to finish writing my post yesterday so I'm continuing it today. Jesus Christ it's taking me forever to hammer out this post.
This morning was uneventful although I have to say that today has been the least busy it has been for me all week and last week even too. This morning my Mom flew out to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I went over to her place last night to hang out for a bit and say goodbye and have a great trip. I was of course jealous she was heading out to plus 30 degree weather and leaving my ass home in the -15 Celsius bullshit. LOL Oh well, I'm counting down and C A N N O T W A I T for September to creep around. We're going to Barbados (Jeff and I) with my mom and step-dad, Brian. We did that in 2011, did our check out dive certifications for Open Water and did a few more dives (I think all in all we did about 10 dives including the four check out certification dives) and it was glorious. After that, we ended up plunking down about $4,000 on gear and we now have all of our own with the exception of air tanks (which you can't travel with anyways). We won't travel with our weight for the weight belts only because we can rent weight and we'd end up maxing out our weight restrictions for luggage on just the lead weight alone. So that's why it doesn't make sense to bring your own. Plus, we bought all of our own gear because it's something we know will get used, we'll use for a long time to come and we really, really enjoy diving. So I can't wait. We're pondering on doing our advanced certification, which takes about 2 days maximum depending on the weather. The only thing we couldn't take as a specialty would be the nitrox gases only for the simple reason that they do not have that mixed air on the island. We could however take a day course elsewhere on nitrox alone so I don't think it's a big deal but I think it's something really worth while to consider. We are going for 2 weeks again this time around and I'd like to do about another 10 dives again, 4 would be the advanced dives and then another 6 each on subsequent days. So all in all, it'd occupy about 3-4 days additional to the 2 for the advanced certifications (if you consider that we'd be doing double tank dives each day, one in the morning and one in the early afternoon). This all leaves 8-9 days to veg, explore more of the island by car (like we did last time around and my parents really enjoyed), sight sea and get tan (or in my case, burn and acquire more freckles lol). But anyways, getting sidetracked about my own trip 6.5 months away. Oh things to look forward to. :)
This afternoon on my lunch break, my friend Danielle and I helped our friend Marah move some things from her basement to storage. Perhaps I'll go to the gym tonight but maybe not, I've got shin splintz today.
Oh and Jeff and I seem to be doing better. Knock on wood.
Until tomorrow.... :)
Holy shit balls, you'd think there was a full moon. Everyone is spazzing and snappy today. And I'm not one of them for once! LOL. Work is crazy. Not long after I started work here at the Commission, usually January, February and March were quieter months. These days, not so much. I guess we're gearing up for fiscal year end at the end of March, that contributes to it. Also, my boss is covering her boss and so she's doing two jobs, wearing two hats and she's super stressed, easily agitated quick to deflect blame to others. She had me apologise on her behalf to a co-worker because she was wrong. I called her on something that was discussed last year and after reiterating it a few times to her, she stated that she had just forgotten and can I go tell so and so that that was the case. Um sure, but you were wrong lady so don't be so quick to jump down people's throats. And chill people, take a god damn valium, a deep breath, something.
Things with us are comme ci, comme ca I suppose. Monday was uneventful to the fullest up until 5 something in the evening when he was at my mom's giving my step-dad a hair cut and I called my mom's house (because I knew if I reached him there he'd have no choice but to talk to me if I called her house lol). Asked him some PC questions because he formatted my computer in Sunday while I was out and I wanted to ask him before it had slipped my mind. All seemed ok but I braced for the silent treatment when he got back home. He got home, bringing the dogs along with him (my mom had all the dogs this past Monday bc she's going away to the Dominican Republic tomorrow and she wanted to make sure she'd see all of them before leaving. That night much was just left in the air and I asked he wanted to ask me anything (in regards to my leaving him a note on Sunday before heading out to meet some old workmates from back when I was 15/16
continued....
Thursday:
Didn't get to finish writing my post yesterday so I'm continuing it today. Jesus Christ it's taking me forever to hammer out this post.
This morning was uneventful although I have to say that today has been the least busy it has been for me all week and last week even too. This morning my Mom flew out to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I went over to her place last night to hang out for a bit and say goodbye and have a great trip. I was of course jealous she was heading out to plus 30 degree weather and leaving my ass home in the -15 Celsius bullshit. LOL Oh well, I'm counting down and C A N N O T W A I T for September to creep around. We're going to Barbados (Jeff and I) with my mom and step-dad, Brian. We did that in 2011, did our check out dive certifications for Open Water and did a few more dives (I think all in all we did about 10 dives including the four check out certification dives) and it was glorious. After that, we ended up plunking down about $4,000 on gear and we now have all of our own with the exception of air tanks (which you can't travel with anyways). We won't travel with our weight for the weight belts only because we can rent weight and we'd end up maxing out our weight restrictions for luggage on just the lead weight alone. So that's why it doesn't make sense to bring your own. Plus, we bought all of our own gear because it's something we know will get used, we'll use for a long time to come and we really, really enjoy diving. So I can't wait. We're pondering on doing our advanced certification, which takes about 2 days maximum depending on the weather. The only thing we couldn't take as a specialty would be the nitrox gases only for the simple reason that they do not have that mixed air on the island. We could however take a day course elsewhere on nitrox alone so I don't think it's a big deal but I think it's something really worth while to consider. We are going for 2 weeks again this time around and I'd like to do about another 10 dives again, 4 would be the advanced dives and then another 6 each on subsequent days. So all in all, it'd occupy about 3-4 days additional to the 2 for the advanced certifications (if you consider that we'd be doing double tank dives each day, one in the morning and one in the early afternoon). This all leaves 8-9 days to veg, explore more of the island by car (like we did last time around and my parents really enjoyed), sight sea and get tan (or in my case, burn and acquire more freckles lol). But anyways, getting sidetracked about my own trip 6.5 months away. Oh things to look forward to. :)
This afternoon on my lunch break, my friend Danielle and I helped our friend Marah move some things from her basement to storage. Perhaps I'll go to the gym tonight but maybe not, I've got shin splintz today.
Oh and Jeff and I seem to be doing better. Knock on wood.
Until tomorrow.... :)
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Open letter and my weekend
I feel like my heart is breaking and there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. No matter what I say, what I do, or how long, I'm going to pay the rest of my life for my past mistakes and short comings. I never said I was perfect, I've been so open and raw and vulnerable to the real me, the real person beneath it all... but I just feel like I'm never going to be the person you want me to be. I will never be this perfect person you so seemingly are trying to find within me...
Twelve years ago I opened my heart when I shut everyone and everything out. I broke my walls down to my vulnerability.... And now because you feel justified and righteous, I will forever be trying to apologize and make it up to you for being a monster. I can't keep saying I'm sorry for the rest of my life when it's more than just me. Own your shit, let shit go. Stop throwing everything in my face and let it GO. Stop holding everything over my head as ammunition to justify how you feel. I'm trying so hard to be a better, more caring, honest and open person but Im not the one that can make you happy. YOU are the creator of your own happiness...
I opened my heart and told you I couldn't have my heart broken any more....and my heart is breaking because we're falling apart and it's up to me to bandaid it back together. I never mattered to anyone before you and it breaks me into a million pieces when you tell me you've been unhappy for years... And yet, I'm still here.... Because I love you and I just can't walk away. :(
---------
Not having a great last 36 hours. Had a amazing breaking with our good friend Dina while watching the Canada vs. Sweden hockey game this morning. Jeff was supposed to go to a match with his dad and brother but bailed on them last minute... This afternoon I met up with some old work friends from one of my first jobs back when I was 15. Nice to see the girls and it's so awesome that after all these ears we still get together to catch up. <3
Goodnight.
Friday, February 21, 2014
If you knew me....
- I am a redhead... and a Scorpio. = DANGER. I have a temper. *big smiles* LOL
- I loooooooooove fruit. I used to be allergic and thankfully am no longer. Well, I still have to stay away from Lychee and grapes. But I can deal with that.
- I often blow off lunches with friends or work colleagues so I can go to the gym and sweat it out like a beast. [As a matter of fact, I'm headed there right now lol]
- You'd know that I'm a chronic list maker. I make lists of my lists, particularly when I'm travelling somewhere. And as a result, I tend to over pack. It's amazes me I've never lost luggage in all my travels. *knocks on wood*
- You'd know that I'm an only child.
- I adore my two dogs like most people adore their two-legged children. Just because I choose not to have children in this crazy, fucked up world we live in doesn't make me any lesser of a person than you.
- I used to work for a National law firm for 5 years but I left back in 2010 because it was either that, or I likely would have had a nervous breakdown by age 30, or I would have died of a stroke or heart attack. If given the chance, I would never go back to working at a big corporate law firm.
- You'd know that I have no tolerance for bullshit and drama from women. I can't stand the catty nature of some women and I stay as far away from that bullshit. I try to surround myself as much as possible with positivity and good people. I may not have hundreds of friends but the few I have, they're like gold. They're family to me.
- You'd know that my dream dog is a Harlequin Great Dane. One day... One day...
- You'd know that I wear my heart on my sleeve
- You'd know that I don't get enough sleep. LOL.
- You'd know that I'm pretty flexible, as in bendy. I've done dance, gymnastics, acro, yoga and aerial silks all throughout various times in my life. I'm not double-jointed but I have loose joints and I can hyper extend my thumbs, knees, elbows and shoulders. The thumbs hurt, but the rest don't.
- You'd know that I often bite my nails, a habit that I've had since I was a little girl. My mom tried everything, from that nasty nail polish to tabasco sauce. If there's a will, there's a way. LOL
- You'd know that I've had maxillofacial surgery when I was 15 a.k.a. jaw surgery. Long story short, I had braces when I was younger, had them removed, my upper jaw was average size and bottom was smaller so the braces only did so much but couldn't take away the entire over bite because of the size of the upper jaw bone itself. Also, I have TMJ which can be painful, it can cause headaches, etc., that and coupled with x-rays that showed by jaw slightly shifting backward over a short period of time, so it was necessary to fix before it got much, much worse. So I had my wisdom teeth all removed, back to braces for one year to space out my teeth a bit since I was now missing the wisdom. Surgery consisted of removing 1 cm of the upper jaw bone on the left and right sides alike, pins in upper jaw both sides, bottom jaw shifted forward a bit (not sure by how much but ever so slightly), pins on both sides of my lower jaw, a plate in the roof of my mouth and finally, I have a titanium chin (which is always fun to let people feel lol). Recovery was BRUTAL. Stupidly, I had the surgery 2 weeks before going back to school and my face was ridiculously swollen, people thought I had plastic surgery but couldn't figure out what (nose was the common denominator). I had my jaw wired shut which meant that I had to eat puddings, Boost, Ensure. It was brutal. Smells of food were torture for me. I lost about 30 lbs (great diet lol), so much so that my fingers looked skinny as hell. I have a permanent numb spot on the left side of my chin (or right side if you're facing me), which is nerve damage and frankly, I'm surprised that's all the nerve damage because they literally cut along the gum line below your teeth all the way from one side of your jaw to the other (both lower and upper) and essentially peel the tissue back to expose the gums. Sounds gross but it's actually quite fascinating. So I have the bionic face that's worth tens of thousands of dollars. :)
- You'd know I've had Lasik eye surgery in 2009. I wish I only had it done earlier, it's fantastic and so liberating.
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| I found this last night on Facebook and thought it was brilliant! Love Jack's face lol |
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Well that was truly a nice, relaxing long weekend....
So I last wrote on Friday after I got home from work that evening. That evening, I made a chicken stir fry and then afterwards I took the dogs down to Dina's and vented to her for a couple of hours. It was actually a nice evening with her. Upon going back up to our condo at around midnight, I ended up talking to J til about 2 a.m. I ended up waking up at 8 am but then I guess I fell back asleep and I woke up again at 10 am to my phone ringing. It was my mom checking in to say that she was coming over to get me and the dogs so that we could go out to White Feather and Heronview Raw and Natural. Brian drove my mom and I and we were out for maybe 5 hours all said and doine (since Jeff had abandoned ship on Friday to go get some space up north for a few days at his parents, which I understood and respected once I was done with being upset and miffed). My friend Kelly met up with us for lunch and we walked around for a bit buying a few items along the way. Afterwards, Kelly was going to meet a friend for dinner (and then coming up to our place late to stay the rest of the weekend) and Mom and Brian and I went to Heronview, where they picked up dog food and I found my man Kramer, a 185 lb Leonberger and his daughter and another female and her daughter. So FOUR big beasts and I was in heaven. I ended up getting the dogs a stuffless stuffie toy since they love those so much and I also got some Buffalo beef jerkey looking stuff for them as a treat too.
Kelly ended up coming over around midnight Saturday night and we ended up talking in bed until 2 am.
And here's Miss Kelly with Charlie and Baxter both. Charlie was all over her like a wet noodle, he just wouldn't leave her alone at all this past weekend. Baxter warmed up to her a bit but she's certainly not Mom aka Me. We spent Sunday morning doing her laundry and watching crap on tv. We then went to get some groceries and not long after that, Jeff was home. I was under the impression he was still up north but he ended up surprising me and coming home early, around 3:30ish. We didn't do too much the rest of the day except chat and watch the boob tube and the Olympics. We all fell asleep watching the Wolf of Wall Street (we'd seen it twice already and it was Kelly's first time watching it) and then shortly after I woke up and told Kelly lets go to bed (Jeff was sleeping on the couch Sunday night and Kelly and I in our bedroom).
Woke up relatively early, made breakfast while Kelly was in the shower and she ended up leaving our place around 10:30/11 am to go meet her ex-husband so she could pick up her son and take him to a Hockey Day. Monday was Family Day so it was a nice long weekend, to say the least. The next long weekend is at Easter in April, which seems an awfully long time away. :-/ Kelly will be back in 3 weeks to spend the weekend with me which I'm excited about. Love that girl. And I know the dogs, particularly Charlie will be happy about that. He just adores her :)
And then this morning... Poor dogs, this is how I left them when leaving for work at 6 am. LOL
Kelly ended up coming over around midnight Saturday night and we ended up talking in bed until 2 am.
Look at these two hambergers. LOL What a life!
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| And I just LOVE this. Found this on Instagram over the weekend :) |
And here's Miss Kelly with Charlie and Baxter both. Charlie was all over her like a wet noodle, he just wouldn't leave her alone at all this past weekend. Baxter warmed up to her a bit but she's certainly not Mom aka Me. We spent Sunday morning doing her laundry and watching crap on tv. We then went to get some groceries and not long after that, Jeff was home. I was under the impression he was still up north but he ended up surprising me and coming home early, around 3:30ish. We didn't do too much the rest of the day except chat and watch the boob tube and the Olympics. We all fell asleep watching the Wolf of Wall Street (we'd seen it twice already and it was Kelly's first time watching it) and then shortly after I woke up and told Kelly lets go to bed (Jeff was sleeping on the couch Sunday night and Kelly and I in our bedroom).
Woke up relatively early, made breakfast while Kelly was in the shower and she ended up leaving our place around 10:30/11 am to go meet her ex-husband so she could pick up her son and take him to a Hockey Day. Monday was Family Day so it was a nice long weekend, to say the least. The next long weekend is at Easter in April, which seems an awfully long time away. :-/ Kelly will be back in 3 weeks to spend the weekend with me which I'm excited about. Love that girl. And I know the dogs, particularly Charlie will be happy about that. He just adores her :)
And then this morning... Poor dogs, this is how I left them when leaving for work at 6 am. LOL
Friday, February 14, 2014
So since I don't feel like dwelling or going into what the last few days have been like (brutal, frustrating, sad, pathetic, hard, stressful), I just don't want to talk about it.
I woke up jaded, quite frankly, after all it is Valentine's Day today. I've never been huge into the Hallmark holiday, I think it's stupid that flowers are quadruple in prices (at least) and good luck getting a reservation at a restaurant if you haven't book it months ago. Yeah I'm a planner but not that much of a planner. Anyways, the hubs and I have been walking on egg shells the last 4-5 days so I woke up this morning and I was like DIE DIE DIE to all those lovey dovey assholes that get all smushy on this stupid day. Frankly I believe if you can`t love on someone and treat them like gold the rest of the year, why bother on the one designated day, right? But I came home (Jeff decided to have some space and head up north to visit his parents and go shooting with his dad and brother) and there was a note and 2 dozen flowers! (!!) The note said: I love you. Always have, always will. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. Be still my heart. This man, no matter what I do, say, what we`ve argued about, whatever, loves me to pieces. I think sometimes he has a shitty way of showing it, but things like that are really nice and thoughtful.
So here I am, it`s nearly 7 pm and I`ve got my dogs this weekend, I`m going to make some stir fry shortly and tomorrow I`m going out for the day with my mom and step dad, meeting up with a dear friend and seeing 5 Leonbergers. IE Fun times with the Leos. Post pics tomorrow :)
I woke up jaded, quite frankly, after all it is Valentine's Day today. I've never been huge into the Hallmark holiday, I think it's stupid that flowers are quadruple in prices (at least) and good luck getting a reservation at a restaurant if you haven't book it months ago. Yeah I'm a planner but not that much of a planner. Anyways, the hubs and I have been walking on egg shells the last 4-5 days so I woke up this morning and I was like DIE DIE DIE to all those lovey dovey assholes that get all smushy on this stupid day. Frankly I believe if you can`t love on someone and treat them like gold the rest of the year, why bother on the one designated day, right? But I came home (Jeff decided to have some space and head up north to visit his parents and go shooting with his dad and brother) and there was a note and 2 dozen flowers! (!!) The note said: I love you. Always have, always will. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. Be still my heart. This man, no matter what I do, say, what we`ve argued about, whatever, loves me to pieces. I think sometimes he has a shitty way of showing it, but things like that are really nice and thoughtful.
So here I am, it`s nearly 7 pm and I`ve got my dogs this weekend, I`m going to make some stir fry shortly and tomorrow I`m going out for the day with my mom and step dad, meeting up with a dear friend and seeing 5 Leonbergers. IE Fun times with the Leos. Post pics tomorrow :)
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Long ass post
I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, I'm just so frustrated lately. Since November of last year, I've taken huge steps and made great strides in trying to improve myself, my communication, trying to understand my thoughts and a hell of a lot more that I just don't feel like listing off.
I've been flip flopping about just how much I want to say about the matter but I might as well, writing is an outlet and always makes me feel a bit better......
In November of last year, I had a bit of a breakdown. I was on the verge of being taken to the hospital and I pleaded not to in between sobbing, choking back tears. After some pushing and self-realization, I sought help. And with each passing day, literally, I feel like I'm getting better and I'm feeling better. I feel the best I have in such a long, long time, I can't even tell you. I'm learning more about myself, I'm communicating how I feel, and I'm communicating in a positive manner. Sure I have my days where I want to flip my lid but I'm not angry and sad and depressed like I once was. You see, I've been like this for a very long time and it took many doctors, years and medications for it to "click". We ALL have our traumas in life and checkered pasts, but I'm learning to look forward, trying to be more positive and less negative (I'm very negative on the inside, especially concerning myself), I'm trying to take steps to better myself, better US, better life. The first few weeks on the meds were just awful and even that's putting it real lightly. Immediately the same day I started the meds, I was feeling it. I experienced every side effect under the sun for this new medication and frankly it really put me on my ass. I was so sick I couldn't even make it to the gym because I had no energy, I had wobbly legs, nausea and I felt like I would've passed out. I really didn't want the Ambulance called while at the gym. So as much as it killed me not to go, I took it easy for the first 2-3 weeks. I'd say by the 3-4 week mark, I feeling significantly better and people all around me were noticing a huge change, positively, in me. I felt it but I can't tell you how it felt when people would tell me that I seemed different. It was like I had a calm just come over me and I really have no desire for conflict or to blow my lid. In conjunction with seeing my doctor and finding a perfect concoction that worked for me, I began seeing a social worker and doing some work with her on communicating better and CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I believe that based on the circumstances that were my life since I was a young child, which was when my father passed away five days before my third birthday and then burying him on my third birthday. Casting that aside and not cutting short any of the experiences and trauma's I've experienced in my 30 young years, I knew that somewhere deep inside was this person that loved life and wanted to live fully and freely without all this baggage and weight on my chest. In the last 12 years, my husband has dealt with and put up with a lot. That's not to say that he didn't know he was signing on to be with some psycho pants that couldn't deal with her shit. My entire life I've felt like I've never been good enough. Most of that is self-induced because I self-impose this huge expectation of what I should or shouldn't be. When I met Jeff, nothing else matter. I told him everything right from the get go. And after telling him everything, I still asked him, "Are you going to leave me like the rest of them?". I didn't trust. Everyone always used me (and vice versa now looking back), I was looking for love in all the wrong places but looking back, I was looking for love, looking for acceptance.. I was tired of being picked on and cast aside by people when I wasn't important or relevant anymore. He was in it with me for the long haul. He knew things about me that no one knew. He was and is my best friend. But along the way, he's taken on far too many roles and he now wears too many hats and he's taken on the burden of all my shit and all the negative that has been me and my life. I will be the first person to say that I'm not perfect, but I've always had good intentions and I love and am passionate about things and people with my entire being. So I guess where I'm going is that through the years, Jeff has been by my side, holding me up, picking me up off the floor in a million little pieces and now that I'm finally changing and being the person that I truly want to be and am, I feel like he's stuck, stagnant and in the same place and not doing a damn thing to better himself or his life. He see's me changing and I know it's different and weird and probably scary and unfamiliar, but it's like he's digging in his heels, resisting change and trying to bring me back down to a dark place. It's like once I work on one issue or grievance he has with me, he moves down the list to the next issue. I just don't understand how someone can be so negative and condescending and critical. I feel like that's mostly all he does, criticize me or takes a dig. And I know this process is not overnight and yes I know that I've put him through hell and it's unfamiliar and new to him, this new "me", but for fuck sakes I'm tired of feeling like what I say or how I feel doesn't matter or is insignificant. I used to be angry but I'm not anymore. I'm sad, I'm hurt and I'm disappointed. I can have full out conversations with him and he won't hear me... I will literally be waiting for a response and all I hear is crickets. He'll respond by saying "Mmmhmm" or "Yes" and more often than not, it's even relevant to what I've just said. And he think it's hilarious. It's so incredibly frustrating. I used to cry nearly every day before I went to the doctor in November but lately, I've cried a couple of times just because I'm so frustrated and sad that I just don't feel like I'm heard. I feel like it's just his opinions that matter and fuck what I say or think.
I'm a runaway train with this right now so I'm going to stop there. Things right now are trying... I feel like I'm putting effort in and he's put up with so much bullshit over the years that he just can't muster up any more effort. And if he feels that way, okay, let's deal with it. If it's not fixable, then eventually we need to move on. I love him to pieces but I'm not sure that's enough for him. Has the damage already been done and now it can't be un-done? Time will tell. I'm just so confused and frustrated.
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And more Kina pictures... She's such an amazing dog. I feel like she looks into my soul. I've cried into her fur so many times I can't even count, I just love her so much. Tonight will be my last visit with her as her pet parents are coming home from vacation early tomorrow morning.
I've been flip flopping about just how much I want to say about the matter but I might as well, writing is an outlet and always makes me feel a bit better......
In November of last year, I had a bit of a breakdown. I was on the verge of being taken to the hospital and I pleaded not to in between sobbing, choking back tears. After some pushing and self-realization, I sought help. And with each passing day, literally, I feel like I'm getting better and I'm feeling better. I feel the best I have in such a long, long time, I can't even tell you. I'm learning more about myself, I'm communicating how I feel, and I'm communicating in a positive manner. Sure I have my days where I want to flip my lid but I'm not angry and sad and depressed like I once was. You see, I've been like this for a very long time and it took many doctors, years and medications for it to "click". We ALL have our traumas in life and checkered pasts, but I'm learning to look forward, trying to be more positive and less negative (I'm very negative on the inside, especially concerning myself), I'm trying to take steps to better myself, better US, better life. The first few weeks on the meds were just awful and even that's putting it real lightly. Immediately the same day I started the meds, I was feeling it. I experienced every side effect under the sun for this new medication and frankly it really put me on my ass. I was so sick I couldn't even make it to the gym because I had no energy, I had wobbly legs, nausea and I felt like I would've passed out. I really didn't want the Ambulance called while at the gym. So as much as it killed me not to go, I took it easy for the first 2-3 weeks. I'd say by the 3-4 week mark, I feeling significantly better and people all around me were noticing a huge change, positively, in me. I felt it but I can't tell you how it felt when people would tell me that I seemed different. It was like I had a calm just come over me and I really have no desire for conflict or to blow my lid. In conjunction with seeing my doctor and finding a perfect concoction that worked for me, I began seeing a social worker and doing some work with her on communicating better and CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I believe that based on the circumstances that were my life since I was a young child, which was when my father passed away five days before my third birthday and then burying him on my third birthday. Casting that aside and not cutting short any of the experiences and trauma's I've experienced in my 30 young years, I knew that somewhere deep inside was this person that loved life and wanted to live fully and freely without all this baggage and weight on my chest. In the last 12 years, my husband has dealt with and put up with a lot. That's not to say that he didn't know he was signing on to be with some psycho pants that couldn't deal with her shit. My entire life I've felt like I've never been good enough. Most of that is self-induced because I self-impose this huge expectation of what I should or shouldn't be. When I met Jeff, nothing else matter. I told him everything right from the get go. And after telling him everything, I still asked him, "Are you going to leave me like the rest of them?". I didn't trust. Everyone always used me (and vice versa now looking back), I was looking for love in all the wrong places but looking back, I was looking for love, looking for acceptance.. I was tired of being picked on and cast aside by people when I wasn't important or relevant anymore. He was in it with me for the long haul. He knew things about me that no one knew. He was and is my best friend. But along the way, he's taken on far too many roles and he now wears too many hats and he's taken on the burden of all my shit and all the negative that has been me and my life. I will be the first person to say that I'm not perfect, but I've always had good intentions and I love and am passionate about things and people with my entire being. So I guess where I'm going is that through the years, Jeff has been by my side, holding me up, picking me up off the floor in a million little pieces and now that I'm finally changing and being the person that I truly want to be and am, I feel like he's stuck, stagnant and in the same place and not doing a damn thing to better himself or his life. He see's me changing and I know it's different and weird and probably scary and unfamiliar, but it's like he's digging in his heels, resisting change and trying to bring me back down to a dark place. It's like once I work on one issue or grievance he has with me, he moves down the list to the next issue. I just don't understand how someone can be so negative and condescending and critical. I feel like that's mostly all he does, criticize me or takes a dig. And I know this process is not overnight and yes I know that I've put him through hell and it's unfamiliar and new to him, this new "me", but for fuck sakes I'm tired of feeling like what I say or how I feel doesn't matter or is insignificant. I used to be angry but I'm not anymore. I'm sad, I'm hurt and I'm disappointed. I can have full out conversations with him and he won't hear me... I will literally be waiting for a response and all I hear is crickets. He'll respond by saying "Mmmhmm" or "Yes" and more often than not, it's even relevant to what I've just said. And he think it's hilarious. It's so incredibly frustrating. I used to cry nearly every day before I went to the doctor in November but lately, I've cried a couple of times just because I'm so frustrated and sad that I just don't feel like I'm heard. I feel like it's just his opinions that matter and fuck what I say or think.
I'm a runaway train with this right now so I'm going to stop there. Things right now are trying... I feel like I'm putting effort in and he's put up with so much bullshit over the years that he just can't muster up any more effort. And if he feels that way, okay, let's deal with it. If it's not fixable, then eventually we need to move on. I love him to pieces but I'm not sure that's enough for him. Has the damage already been done and now it can't be un-done? Time will tell. I'm just so confused and frustrated.
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And more Kina pictures... She's such an amazing dog. I feel like she looks into my soul. I've cried into her fur so many times I can't even count, I just love her so much. Tonight will be my last visit with her as her pet parents are coming home from vacation early tomorrow morning.
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| I thought the sky was just beautiful here. |
SELFIES lol
We went snowshoeing last weekend and while I would've put up a picture, I just discovered Jeff blocked me from Facebook or deactivated his facebook. LOL Oh the drama. Fuck my life...
Friday, February 7, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Friday, where the hell have you been all my life? I've been waiting for you all week. And the following is the ever so appropriate meme I found last week.
This past Wednesday, the children went to my mom's house, aka Nana's and this is the aftermath:
This past Wednesday, the children went to my mom's house, aka Nana's and this is the aftermath:
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| Baxter IS sleeping here, just with his eyes open. Typically when he's exhausted, he'll sleep with his eyes opened and you can see the whites of his eyes rolling into the back of his head. |
And this is Kina, a Husky that I'm caring for a week. I met her last year when times were tough for me and she just melted my soul. I love her to pieces
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| LOL |
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Winter Blues & Blahs
I seriously think that the bears are on to something when they go and hibernate all winter long. I mean, come on, this winter has been brutal. Brutal in that winters used to be like this all the time and we've actually had it pretty good over the last decade or more. But the near -30/-40 temps are killer. And the lack of sunshine and daylight is a bugger too. I'm just over winter. I'm just so exhausted these days and I haven't a clue why. I know I could be going to bed earlier or at least making an effort, but I go to bed tired, wake up tired, am tired throughout the day... What gives?! I also don't think that my waking up all the time is very restful because I don't get into a REM sleep or if I do, it's interrupted.
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