Video games are the bane of my existence. I sometimes wish that the volume of attention he devotes to his god damn Playstation would be transferred to me. There's no use in talking to him when he's playing, it's useless. I have better conversations with myself, frankly. And it can be more amusing, so I guess that's the positive in this.
I'm seriously not having much luck with posting/responding to messages since Friday. Twice I had Facebook tabs mysteriously vanish, and naturally it was just before I hit sent and it was a long ass reply to a long ass message... And now, I just flipped over to another tab as I was uploading a dog picture from Friday and poof, a paragraph vanishes off the screen. Makes me want to launch the computer out the window.
So this morning, I slept in. But I awoke to muttering under breath and attitude.
Great fucking way to wake up, let me tell you. And then so it began, the yelling, the criticizing. See here's where I hold myself back with this website. I try to remain as positive as I can, but as life so happens, it's not all rainbows and lollipops, life sucks some times and its' not always rosy and peacy. While I'm not afraid to post any of the shit or any of the things on my mind on this blog; it's my blog and I don't give a shit if you don't like it or not, it's my thoughts and they are just that. But I'm reluctant to pass around or let people know of my blog because I don't want J or anyone reading my blog and this too starting arguments and then I've got to hold back even further and perhaps eventually find another medium and write somewhere else.
Having said that, I've been going through some tough shit lately, for instance my hormone levels are all over the fucking place and my emotions are a rollercoaster. Crying is such a friend of mine, so are the words "I'm sorry", because for some reason I feel like I should shoulder the blame for everything. I'm tired of being told that I'm an asshole or that I constantly shit on
you... Is your life
that fucking terrible? It breaks my heart because it's my everything and I know I'm not perfect, but dammit I won't let you blame me for everything while you continuously come off as the pauper or the good man, or the saint. What about fucking me? Am I really that bad? I've been pretty upset with him too for about a week and a half ago when he made a rude comment about my dead friend that died 4 weeks ago.
You also can't shit on someone for what they're doing and then two seconds later you're doing exactly what you just told me not to. He gets furious if I fall asleep on the couch, early. I should go to bed and be done with it. Sure, I get that. I get that. But don't rip me a new asshole because I'm dozing and then 4 seconds later you're fast asleep yourself, setting a mighty fine example of what you just said wasn't acceptable of me in your books. And further, is it really worth it? all this? Life is too fucking short, stop fucking fretting about the small, insignificant shit, really, it's not worth all the anger and energy.
Another thing I feel like I just have to write down.. An old friend just had her baby this morning. Part of me is jealous and worried that I'll never get to experience that because he doesn't love me enough to even want a child with me or thinks I could raise one. I'm afraid he's afraid that the baby would turn into a mini psycho.. And that hurts my feelings like you wouldn't believe. He doesn't confirm that, but he doesn't deny either. It makes me feel insignificant and this small. This is not to say that I want a baby now, but I just don't think he thinks I'd be good enough to be a mom. And here's the scary truth, in the future, I wouldn't be willing to compromise my happiness just because
you think I'm not good enough. And I'm probably begin negative Nancy but life is too fucking short, bottom line.
Part of me doesn't want to publicize my blog to friends or anyone I actually know in real life because I don't want the criticism. I could put my web address on my Instagram account that gets lots of views and likes, but I feel like I can remain somewhat anonymous, but without the criticism. I'm trying to embrace more kindness, light and love (stop it, I know that sounds cheesy but whatever) and mostly positivity, but I feel like the more I try to better myself, the more miserable those are around me. Ahem.
Okay I've had enough ranting, Sigh. I'm exhausted. Needless to say, another wasted day, a wasted Sunday that I've fucked up, no doubt, because I'm just a horrible person.
Here's some pictures... As you can tell, these dogs are my heart and soul, thus a take a gajillion pictures lol.
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| Charlie hanging out in one of his favourite spots, the back of the couch |
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| Mr. Baxter |
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| Charlie laying affectionately across B... |
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| Baxter being sucky pants and trying to get love from Charles |
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| lol |
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| Mid-yawn B.. |
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| Baxter eating his feet |
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| My teddy bear |
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| my kids :love: :) |
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