Friday, December 14, 2012

Not a good Friday.....

I had plans on writing something entirely different but I'm in a shitty mood so that's not going to happen.  I don't feel like crying any further about a cause that I'm passionate about.

Sometimes I feel like my marriage is on the verge of collapse.  That's he's just content with me and it's "comfortable" for lack of a better word.

While I'm the first to admit I'm not all sunshine and rainbows 24/7 (hey, I'm keeping it real and honest with myself), I'm tired of looking like I'm the crazy one that everyone is concerned about.  Perhaps people should look around and look inward at themselves instead of constantly looking outward and picking apart everything I do.  Listen, I try my best but fuck, I feel like anytime I make any positive strides, I'm knocked off my chair.  I feel like his Playstation means more to him than I do some days, and the people he talks to on there... Christ, he doesn't even listen or hear me half the time, which makes it extremely frustrating when I'm trying to talk to him and I'm having to repeat myself 3-4 times or waving my hands around like a tool bag so he'll notice that I'm talking to him.

We've been together for nearly 11 years but I feel like he's so much in a place if complatency that he'd rather not look at himself and pick things to improve (bc afterall, don't we all have shit to work on?) but would much rather point at me and pick me apart.  Now, having said all this, he's been by my side for nearly 11 years.  He's supported me on days where I feel like I have nothing and I'd rather nothing more than crawling into a hole and dying.  But man, I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the only one that could do with some changes.  Everyone looks at him as if he's Jeff the Great, Jeff the Saint, everyone loves him because he can do no wrong.  He is SO mean spirited these days to ME and I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells because I can sense a blow up coming.

It's just not fair....

I'm coming down off meds so naturally my moods are all over the place, coupled with my hormone levels are fucked right now and for that I'm going for a damn biopsy in January to figure out if perhaps I may have some hormone issues, abnormal cells and/or endometriosis. 

I just want some kindness and understanding, instead of being the recipient of losing your shit simply because you can't find the household cleaner that's at the back of the cupboard.... Seriously, is it worth getting worked up over a bottle of cleaner??  I guess that's priorities for you..........  And I'm stopping the numbing process that I've done for nearly 11 years too.  That's all I'm saying about that.  As much of a hippie as I am, I'm too numbed and I need to grow further and I can't with that thin veil over me.

Today is just a fucking write off, sitting here mad, sad, angry, confused.... AT WORK.  Good times!!!!

So I've had some time to chill out and stop crying.  My head hurts.  I feel spent.  And it's 1 pm.  Lord help me.  I've way too much shit to do today, tomorrow and the rest of the weekend.  This day is going by way too slowly now.......

Go home
Go pick up keys to house for petsitting
Go to the yoga studio for a group training sesh on this new program the RMTs and therapists are going to be using
Then off to a house visit with a bird and two Yorkies.
Back home
If time, go out shopping.  Mall is open til 10 pm.

More pet visits but not too many
Will I have time for a yoga class?  Who knows........
More Xmas shopping
More pet visits
get stepdad a card, buy mom flowers.
Go for dinner visit
Take Mom and Step dad out for their Birthday's (10th and 15th)


Enough rambling and negative thoughts.  Writing it out sure does make me feel better, although I do look like a whack job.  Love it or leave it is all I have to say.  You don't like it? Click the X at the top right hand side of your browser.

Here's to a better weekend than my morning has been.  Light, love and happiness.


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